My wife keeps nagging about how I don't care about her family. So yesterday I slept with her sister... OK, nutmeg, you're up.
OK, I have one more, it fits well into a recurring theme here... An 83 year old English gentleman arrives at Charles de Gaulle in Paris where he is asked for his passport. Disgusted, the Englishman exclaims 'A passport? Why would I need a passport? Last I was here, nobody asked me for a bloody passport!' The custom officer explains 'Sir, every English citizen must show its passport. When was the last time you were in France?' 'Well, I touched land in June, 1944, and we haven't seen a single Frenchman to ask for our bloody passports!'
Lucrum posted this in a different thread: <img src=http://www.elitetrader.com/vb/attachment.php?s=&postid=2638740>
This guy is walking along a dirt road when he stubbles upon an redneck lying on the ground with his ear in the dirt. "Are you alright? What are you doing?" the man asks but gets no answer at all. The redneck doesn't even acknowledge that he is there. So after a while of silence the man asks again, "Can I help you sir?" The redneck replies this time. "Ford pick-up truck, blue, 18 inch rims, two passengers, female driver." "Wow! You can tell all that by listening to the ground!" the man says. "NO" The redneck replies with a shocked look on his face "The bitch ran over me 10 minutes ago!"
Joe Biden: "did you know light travels faster than sound?" Glen Beck: "why yes, that's why you appear to be bright until we hear you speak!"
The guy goes into the library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian say "Fuck off, you won't bring it back!"
A husband and wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore. The new guy and the wife are VERY attracted to each other right away, but they realize that certain protocols will have to be observed. The husband, oblivious to the pheremones floating around, is very glad to see the second man there. "This is wonderful! Now we'll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts." The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper. The new man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" They look at each other and yell back, "We're not screwing!" A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the new man yells down, "Heeey, no screwing!" Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!" Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks. Once again the new man yells down from high above, "Hey, I said no screwing!!" They yell back, "And we said we're not screwing!!" Finally the shift is over and the new man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. By the time he gets halfway up, his wife and the new man are already screwing their brains out. Once at the top, the husband turns around and looks down and says to himself: "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."
You do know I'm the guy with the glasses. This is exactly what happens when my kids want to play a game. They are trying to explain it to me and woosh, I'm really into it.