A Chinese man decides to move to the US after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near to LA. A few days after moving in, a friendly neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region, so he goes next door, but on his way up the drive-way, he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these Chinese customs he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day. The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another Chinese custom he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a cow down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the cow's bum. The US bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it and then today you have your head so close to that cow's bum, it could just about shit on you." The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry sir, you do not understand; these aren't Chinese customs I am performing, but all American customs." "What do you mean mate" says the Yank, "Those aren't American customs." "Yes they are", replied the Chinese man, "for you see, in order for me to become a true American, I must chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit". Only now to make honourable donation to blood sucking monster called Irs and salute man who lives in Washing machine.
Halloween was a success. In case your wondering, I photoshopped my picture with Kanye West and passed out 8x 10's. Many of the kids asked "Gee's mister you must be famous". I then let them help themselves to some fortune cookies from my left over chinese dinner.
My wife asked me if I still carry her picture with me everywhere. I said "Yes, and I always make sure I've got it when I go to work. Whenever there's a problem, I just look at your picture to calm myself down." She said "Do I really have that effect on you?" I replied "No, I just ask myself 'What problem could be greater than this one?'."
I went into a clothes shop the other day and a woman working there said to me: "If you need help with anything, I'm Jane". I thought: If I don't need help, who is she..?
I went to McDonalds yesterday morning for breakfast, it was quite busy. When It was my turn to place the order the girl said "Sorry for the wait". I replied, "That's okay, it looks good on you."
Very Scary Story Dracula was on a night out with his buddies and after much intoxication decided to call it a night. On his walk home he took a few back streets to shortcut. Upon walking down one such dark alley he was hit in the back of the head by a giant piece of roast beef but after looking around could not see who the culprit was. Once again, in the next dimly lit passage he felt a chicken wrap splat across his back, thrown from behind, but again the perpetrator had hidden. Finally as Dracula got to his castle gates, he felt a tap on the shoulder... he turned round to a dark figure wielding a sausage on a cocktail stick. No sooner had Dracula spoken than the dark figure plunged the stick into his heart... Falling to the floor, Dracula uttered his last words... "Who are you?"... To which the dark stranger responded... "I am Buffet the Vampire Slayer"!