An atheist was walking through the woods. 'What majestic trees'! 'What powerful rivers'! 'What beautiful animals'! He said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!' Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer'? The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'? 'Very Well,' said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: 'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
They say you'll never forget your first kiss. This was mine. Her name was Sally and she lived next door. My best friend, well for all of that summer. So out playing one day down by the farm, we'd stopped for shelter from a shower of rain in an old barn. I was playfully running my fingers through Sally's hair when she started to kiss me; her mouth slightly open, I could feel her tongue with mine. It was my first real kiss, and I loved it. I fell head over heels in love that day. We often visited the barn during that long, hot summer and it didnât stop at just kissing, but sadly a couple of months later Sally was involved in a car accident and had to be put down.
Man, Cracker Jack prizes have really gone downhill since I was a youngster. I just finished up my second box. The first didn't have any prize at all (bastids), but I did pull one of those little envelopes out of the second box. Nostalgically, I tore open the paper wrapper to find. . . an authentic Nobel Peace Prize. Geez. What a rip off. So think about that when you see all the cool stuff kids have these days like those way cool climbing tube things at fast food places. At least some of it isn't so great - some of it is a lot worse. Not much, mind you. But some.
Every time we get close to passing reform, the insurance companies produce these phony studies as a prescription and say, 'Take one of these, and call us in a decade.' Well, not this time," Obama said. ------------------------ The insurance cos have learned from the best -- The Fed.
One day the village idiot has to go to the nearby town for the funeral of his dear departed brother. He puts on his best clothes and walks down to the railway station. He says - Gimme a return ticket The station ticket man says - and where would you like to go ? He says - well back here of course !
I was in Thailand last Halloween and this gorgeous brunette with massive tits knocked on the door asking "Trick or Treat" Fuck me, my ass was sore the next day. I'd hate to know what the trick would have been.
A bear is chasing a rabbit when the pair accidentally run into a fairy. The fairy tells them, âIâll grant you three wishes each.â The rabbit lets the bear go first. âI wish all the bears in the forest were female.â The fairy grants his wish. The rabbit goes next. âI wish I had a motorcycle helmet.â Poof, the rabbit gets a motorcycle helmet. âI wish all the bears in the continent were female.â All the bears in the continent become female. âI wish I had a motorcycle,â says the rabbit. Poof, a motorcycle appears. âI wish all the bears in the world were female,â the bear says. All the bears in the world become female. The rabbit straps on his motorcycle helmet, jumps on the bike and revs it up. âI wish he was gay,â says the rabbit, as he speeds off.
As a long sturdy rod, I know the Bassmaster 2000 is the best fishing pole available for fly-fishing. Having laid an egg weighing two pounds, the farmer proudly displayed his favorite chicken before the photographers. Disgusted with his own dangling modifiers, Nutmeg reviewed his jokes and felt ill.
John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch And fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover. To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the <b>No Bell Piece Prize</b> but they also awarded him the <b>Pulletsurprise</b> as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?