Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" and "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One smart ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report: Titanic: $29.99 Clinton: $29.99 Titanic: Over 3 hours to read Clinton: Over 3 hours to read Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Titanic: Jack is a starving artist. Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist. Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar. Clinton: Ditto for Bill. Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. Clinton: Ditto for Monica. Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit. Clinton: Let's not go there. Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry. Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts. Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack. Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen. Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either. Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death. Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary...basically the same thing.
A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. Magic Beer," he says. She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?" Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window. The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again." He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window. She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having." She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies. The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."
Two women were walking through the woods when a monkey called out to them and said: "Help me, ladies! I am a options putz who, through no fault of my own ( I have the dreaded BBI curse), have been transformed into a monkey. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!" (maybe oklahoma, far far away from internet access) One woman opened her purse (it was a large purse), grabbed the monkey, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into a regular guy!" The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking monkey is worth more than a options putz!"
2006 Stella Award Finalists.... #5: Marcy Meckler. While shopping at a mall, Meckler stepped outside and was "attacked" by a squirrel that lived among the trees and bushes. And "while frantically attempting to escape from the squirrel and detach it from her leg, [Meckler] fell and suffered severe injuries," her resulting lawsuit says. That's the mall's fault, the lawsuit claims, demanding in excess of $50,000, based on the mall's "failure to warn" her that squirrels live outside. #4: Ron and Kristie Simmons. The couple's 4-year-old son, Justin, was killed in a tragic lawnmower accident in a licensed daycare facility, and the death was clearly the result of negligence by the daycare providers. The providers were clearly deserving of being sued, yet when the Simmons's discovered the daycare only had $100,000 in insurance, they dropped the case against them and instead sued the manufacturer of the 16-year-old lawn mower because the mower didn't have a safety device that 1) had not been invented at the time of the mower's manufacture, and 2) no safety agency had even suggested needed to be invented. A sympathetic jury still awarded the family $2 million. #3: Robert Clymer. An FBI agent working a high-profile case in Las Vegas, Clymer allegedly created a disturbance, lost the magazine from his pistol, then crashed his pickup truck in a drunken stupor -- his blood-alcohol level was 0.306 percent, more than three times the legal limit for driving in Nevada. He pled guilty to drunk driving because, his lawyer explained, "With public officials, we expect them to own up to their mistakes and correct them." Yet Clymer had the gall to sue the manufacturer of his pickup truck, and the dealer he bought it from, because he "somehow lost consciousness" and the truck "somehow produced a heavy smoke that filled the passenger cab." Yep: the drunk-driving accident wasn't his fault, but the truck's fault. Just the kind of guy you want carrying a gun in the name of the law. #2: KinderStart.com. The specialty search engine says Google should be forced to include the KinderStart site in its listings, reveal how its "Page Rank" system works, and pay them lots of money because they're a competitor. They claim by not being ranked higher in Google, Google is somehow infringing KinderStart's Constitutional right to free speech. Even if by some stretch they were a competitor of Google, why in the world would they think it's Google's responsibility to help them succeed? And if Google's "review" of their site is negative, wouldn't a government court order forcing them to change it infringe on Google's Constitutional right to free speech? And the winner of the 2006 True Stella Award: Allen Ray Heckard. Even though Heckard is 3 inches shorter, 25 pounds lighter, and 8 years older than former basketball star Michael Jordan, the Portland, Oregon, man says he looks a lot like Jordan, and is often confused for him -- and thus he deserves $52 million "for defamation and permanent injury" -- plus $364 million in "punitive damage for emotional pain and suffering", plus the SAME amount from Nike co-founder Phil Knight, for a grand total of $832 million. He dropped the suit after Nike's lawyers chatted with him, where they presumably explained how they'd counter-sue if he pressed on.
I will be off the message boards for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Bob'
Being Frugal A Scottish lady named Edith finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Edith again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and Edith still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Edith is confronted by a heavenly voice: "Edith, Edith, please meet Me halfway on this... Buy a ticket!!!"
lol, Won't have ole nutsack to kick around anymore. wtf I'm half way there with the sagging breasts and a dickt that doesn't co=operate. I shouldn't be writing this stuff, if my mother ever read this, she might get a complex from all the dresses she made me wear when I was a kid.
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?" The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95". The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?" The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir...," Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and...One of Ken's Friends
Golf has given us some unusual and colorful terms to describe shots -- shank, chili-dip, skull, duck-hook, worm-burner, etc. Here are some new ones to add to your vocabulary. A *Paris Hilton* - an expensive hole A *James Joyce* - an impossible read A *Rock Hudson* - looked straight, but wasn't. A *Cuban* - needed one more revolution An *Elton John *- a big bender that lips the rim A *Lou Gehrig* - a dead Yank A *German* - a hookenfucker An *Adolf Hitler* - two shots in the bunker A *Saddam Hussein* - from one bunker straight into another A *Yasser Arafat* - ugly and in the sand A *Kate Winslett* - little bit fat but otherwise perfect A *John Kennedy, Jr.* - didn't make it over the water An *Elephant's Ass* - it's high and it stinks A *Rodney King* - over-clubbed An *O.J. Simpson* - got away with it A *Princess Grace* - should have taken a driver A *Princess Di* - shouldn't have taken a driver A *George W.* - steadily fading A *condom* - safe, but didn't feel very good A *circus tent* - a BIG top An *Anna Kournikova* - looks great, but unlikely to get a result A *Brazilian* - Shaved the hole A *Rush Limbaugh* - too far to the right A *Nancy Pelosi* - too far to the left