Graham rings the local newspaper and asks to speak to the person in charge of the obituary column. He is passed to the advertiser and he asks, 'How much does it cost to place an obituary in the paper?' '$2.00 per word, sir, 'replies the newspaperman respectfully.' 'Ok' , says Graham, 'are you ready?' 'Yes' , came the answer. 'The obit. reads - ' Jones dead'.' 'No more?' asks the newsman in a very surprised voice. 'No, that's it, 'came the reply. 'I have to tell you, 'announced the advertiser, 'but there is a 5 word minimum.' 'Why didn't you tell me before?' complained Graham, 'in that case it will read - 'Jones dead. Volkswagen for sale'
Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua. But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow. "Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb. "No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton .. This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!" And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!" One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog! As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the junior Senator. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker! Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled... See what you get for five bucks!?"* *courtesy wallstreetfighter.com
This is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Chicago . If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in Chicago If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in Chicago If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in Chicago . If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in Chicago If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of I-80 for the weekend, you live in Chicago . If you measure distance in hours, you live in Chicago . If you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again, you live in Chicago . If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Chicago . If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in Chicago If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in Chicago If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you live in Chicago If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in Chicago . If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you live in Chicago . If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in Chicago If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you live in Chicago
TAKE IT OFF A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. Weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. As promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. As promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the Company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine." He lost 63 pounds that week :eek:
Funny if old joke... half-ruined by the unnecessary, Energizer Bunny punchline again. http://www.elitetrader.com/vb/showthread.php?s=&postid=1577539#post1577539
Did you guys hear about the blind prostitute? . . .. .. .. .. . I don't know but you really have to hand it to her.
One day two blind men started fighting. Pretty soon a crowd surrounded them. Then one of the members of the crowd yelled out "I bet 10 bucks on the one with the knife." Both men ran away.
The Middle East Peace Process An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. The CO says "Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something really, really spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in a Syrian tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How in the world did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in one of our tanks and went toward the border, where I saw this tank. I put my white flag up, the guy over at the other tank put his white flag up. Then I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass?"