Yikes I just tried to print out a calendar and clicked on the disclaimer. You use the calendar at your own risk. Please read all instructions and warnings before use. Must be 18 years of age or older to proceed further. Void where prohibited by law. Use only as directed. For indoor or outdoor use only. Possesion of this calendar does not enable you to fly. We make no other warranties, expressed or implied. This calendar is not an offer to sell securities or may be too intense for some viewers. See other side for additional warnings. This calendar is meant for educational purposes or recreational use only or office use only or entertainment purposes only. Only 1 calendar per household. No user-serviceable parts inside this website and may contain small parts and is not intended for use by children under the age of eighteen. This page made from 100% recycled electrons and may be slippery when wet. Void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted. Caveat emptor. Text may contain explicit materials some readers may find objectionable, parental guidance is advised. Keep away from sunlight. No purchase necessary. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. Webmaster is also not responsible for items left, lost or stolen.. This web page contains no CFCs. Discontinue use if nausea or dizziness occurs. This post does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends, or my dog. Don't quote me on that. Don't quote me on anything. All rights reserved. Patent pending. Don't take candy from strangers... or strange people... or anyone really. Illustrations are slightly enlarged to show detail. If something offends you, lighten up, get a life and move on. This list was current at the time of printing. Terms are subject to change without notice. All decisions are final! This supersedes all previous notices.
If physicists were also lawyers, they might ask all products to have these warning labels: WARNING This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity. WARNING This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them. CAUTION The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight. HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles per Hour. CONSUMER NOTICE Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. ADVISORY There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Known as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result. READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE According to Certain Suggested Versions of a Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting This Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years. THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result. PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW Any Use of This Product, In Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe. NOTE The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little Is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed. ATTENTION Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer Is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists of 99.99999999999% Empty Space. NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled To Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" Into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected. PLEASE NOTE Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State. COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied. HEALTH WARNING Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User. IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Reemerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.
Funeral Director comes home from work, fixes himself a cocktail, plops down on the couch, and just sits there staring at the wall. His wife sees this behavior, sits down, asking quietly, and asks, "what's wrong?Something is terribly wrong." "Not really," he replies. We laid a guy out today, and , well, I guess there is no way to say it. He had the biggest dick I've ever seen in 40 years of doing this. It must have been 15" long!" "Oh my God!!!", his wife screams." Schwartz is dead??!!!??"
I was homeschooled all through high school. At various times we had a mascot, representing the school spirit of my brother and I. For a while it was our chickens, then which ever of the two to four dogs we felt like calling the mascot. Stay tuned......
Nutmeg entered a pet shop. âWe need a talking parrot as a school mascot.â âTalking parrots have been sold out,â informed the salesman. âI see from your posts you're a forum whore.â âYes,â replied Nutmeg. âThen I could suggest a wood pecker.â âCan the wood pecker talk?â "Yes, say something Woody" "How's it hanging he cocked a questioning eyebrow" "Umnnnn, sold".
The Flintstones Movie is being played in the Middle East. Apparently the people of Dubai don't like it, but the people of Abu Dhabi Doo!
<img src="http://www.manofest.com/content/images/joomgallery/img_thumbnails/funny_4/the_25_funniest_rejected_billboards_of_all_time_187/stool_20090921_1386064277.jpg" />
A woman on the phone to her friend: "I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctorâs permission to join a fitness club and start exercisingâ¦. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors... I bent, twisted, gyrated, pulled and pushed, jumped up and down and perspired for an hour... But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over!"