WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12 A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March........"
Quotes from 11 Year Old's' Science Exams "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water." "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire." "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water." "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test tube" "When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide" "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state" "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars." "Blood flows down one leg and up the other." "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration." "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader." "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull." "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire." "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold." "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas." "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, I, o and u." "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away." "Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky." "Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot." "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives." "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative." "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose." "For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops." "For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration." "For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor." "For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it." "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead." "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium." "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat." "To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow." "The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects." "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana." "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to." "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars,and eight cuspidors." "The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight." "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is." "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa." "Germinate: To become a naturalized German." "Liter: A nest of young puppies." "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
The following statements about the bible were written by children: In the first book of the bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles. Moses led the Jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments. The first commandments was when eve told Adam to eat the apple. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. Moses died before he ever reached Canada . then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of geritol. The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. When Mary heard she was the mother of jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. john the blacksmith dumped water on his head. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. The Epistels were the wives of the apostles. One of the oppossums was st. Matthew who was also a taximan. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
A guy goes into the confessional box. He finds on one wall a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a long time since I've been to confession, but I must first say that the confessional box is much more inviting these days." The priest replies, "Get out! You're on my side!!!"
Those Wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: It's a good thing church members have a good sense of horrors .. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. Don't let worry kill you off let the Church help. Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM prayer and medication to follow. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours. â
A pious man, who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?" The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must have forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him.