My girlfriend has left me a note: "I'm leaving you because you're so stupid and bigoted." Well I'm not stupid, I'm just dyslexic. And I can't help it if I have big toes.
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week! The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church." The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?" The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week." The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?" The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada .. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno '
A young medical student approaches an elderly patient with a syringe in his hand. ''Nothing to worry about,'' says the student, noticing the concerned look on the old man's face, ''just a little prick with a needle.'' ''Yes, I know you are,'' says the old man, ''But what the fuck are you gonna do with it?''
Getting prepped for a filling, the dentist said, Your going to feel a small prick in your mouth". The patient said "I better not!!!!"
I'm sure that you have seen pharmaceutical advertising in doctor's offices on everything from tissues to note pads. Well, in my book, this one should get the prize.... One of our Chinese doctor friends e-mailed back: "If the light stays on for more than 4 hours, call your erectrician."
I left my phone at home this morning. I've went home at lunchtime to pick it up and noticed my wife had sent me a text at 9:38am saying: "Yo Nutmeg, you've left your phone in the kitchen"