Jokes 2

Usain Bolt, the Olympic gold medal runner, was on his way to a club with some friends. At the door, the bouncer turned to him and said: "Sorry, mate, you can't come in here — no denim." Bolt was quite annoyed at this and retorted: "Don't you know who I am? I'm Usain Bolt." "Then it won't take you long to run home and change, will it?" replied the bouncer.

 

I see Usain Bolt has smashed the world record with a 9.58 second time.

Finally, someone who finishes as quickly as me.

 

Should have been paying a little bit better attention.

<img src="http://trueslant.com/jeffkoyen/files/2009/08/humo2.jpg" />

 

I met my wife while on a business trip in Paris.

I said to her:

"What the fuck are you doing here?!"

 

nice one

 

At The Bar

“Is there anything wrong?” asked bartender of the young, well-dressed customer who sat staring grimly into his drink.

“Two months ago my maternal grandfather died and left me eight hundred thousand dollars” said the man.

“That doesn’t sound like anything to be upset about,” said the bartender. “It should happen to me.”

“Yeah,” said the sour young man, “but last month an uncle on my father’s side passed away. He left me nine hundred ninety-five thousand dollars.”

“So why are you sitting there looking so unhappy?” Asked the bartender.

“This month – so far – not a cent!!”

 

Newest must have doll for your little girl.

<img src="http://weeklyworldnews.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/pole_dancer_doll.jpg?w=375&h=200" />

 

When my wife does eventually die, I'm going to have her ashes made into an egg timer, so she can still "help" out in the kitchen.

 

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, ‘You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!’

My eyes lit up and I thought, ‘I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!’

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards, she said, ‘Thanks,’ and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, ‘What was that all about?

‘She explained, ‘The one minute egg timer’s broken.’

 

MID-LIFE CRISIS SOLVED

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 21-year-old gal.” “Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 21-year-old gal and she would make sure I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV!!

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis...