A mathematician and a trader went to races. The trader suggested to bet $10,000 on a horse. The mathematician was sceptical, saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look on horses, etc. The trader whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for the success, but he could not convince the mathematician. "You are too theoretical," he said and bet on a horse. Surely, that horse came first bringing him a lot of money. Triumphantly, he exclaimed: "I told you, I knew the secret!" "What is your secret?" the mathematician asked. "It is rather easy. I have two kids, three and five year old. I sum up their ages and I bet on number nine." "But, three and five is eight," the mathematician protested. "I told you, you are too theoretical!" the trader replied, "Haven't I just shown experimentally, that my calculation is correct! 3+5=9!"
A man goes into a bar and says, "Give me a drink before the trouble starts." And the bartender pours him a drink. He drinks it and says, "Give me another drink before the trouble starts." He downs that one and says quotation mark, give me another drink before the trouble starts." Finally, the bartender asks, "Just when is this trouble going to start?" The man says, "The trouble starts just as soon as I tell you that I don't have any money." John Kerry goes into a bar and the bartender says " why the long face"?
A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender to set up the shots, and keep em coming. When the bartender asked what was wrong, the guy told him that he'd just discovered that his older son was gay. A week later, the same guy comes back in the bar, and again asks the bartender for shots. Unfortunately, he'd just discovered that his younger son was also gay. A few weeks later, the same guy comes back in and again asks for shots. The bartender said, "Damn, man, doesn't anyone in your family prefer women?" The guy answered, "Yeah, my wife."
Did you hear about the man of 86 who married a woman of 79. They spent their honeymoon getting out of the car.
Many years ago, I was reading a joke about two guys who met after many years, and one asked the other, "And how do you spend your time these days?" The answer came: "Peeing, and trying to remember the names of my friends." I distinctly remember thinking that that was funny. Then.
I'm living my old jokes. Playing golf, my partner hits and tee shot, says "I didnt' see it." I said, "I saw it." We drive down the fairway, I hit mine. He says, "where is mine?" I respond, in all seriousness, "I don't know." " I thought you said you saw it..........." My life flashes before my eyes. Even the two minutes of good stuff. " I did see it. I, I , don't remember where it went." Now, I'm hoping to nail those 19 year old blonde twins, so I can tell everybody.