High-tech Bar A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?" The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please." The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had. The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered "oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'inter-steller space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs', etc....... The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A Martini please." Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?" This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Giants to do this weekend. The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"?? This time the man drawled out "Uh..... bout 50". The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e? y-o-u-r? p-e-o-p-l-e??? s-t-i-l-l? w-h-i-n-i-n-g??? a-b-o-u-t? l-o-s-i-n-g?? t-h-e?? e-l-e-c-t-i-o-n?? t-o??? P-r-e-s-i-d-e-n-t??? O-B-A-M-A???
"A-r-e? y-o-u-r? p-e-o-p-l-e??? s-t-i-l-l? w-h-i-n-i-n-g??? a-b-o-u-t? l-o-s-i-n-g?? t-h-e?? e-l-e-c-t-i-o-n?? t-o??? P-r-e-s-i-d-e-n-t??? O-B-A-M-A??? ----------------------------- Cracks me up, town hall meeting etc, You have a company and as long as management keeps the day shift bitching about the night shift and vice versa the company keeps F'n over both shifts. Clueless grunts.
A Great Oldie: Teachers And Cops TEACHERS go first... These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded. 1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 2. I would not allow this student to breed. 3. Your child has delusions of adequacy. 4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together. 7. This child has been working with glue too much.. 8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell. 9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others. 12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead. Now for the COPS... These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers (in reverse order of hilarity, i.e., the best is last.) The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country: 16 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.' 15 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.' 14 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.' 13 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.' 12 Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.' 11 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?' 10 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?' 9 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket. ' 8 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?' 7 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.' 6 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.' 5 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC (National Crime Information Center).' 4 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?' 3 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.' 2 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.' AND THE WINNER IS.... 1 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here!'
Is it just me or has anybody else noticed that they only make dildos and vibrators about half the size of a real penis?
Tell you how sick I am. I'm actually using your stuff. And yes, I was wondering about this also. It makes me feel like such a freak.
VATICAN HUMOR After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb. 'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?' 'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.' 'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.. 'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph.. (Remember, the Pope is German..) 'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. 'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph. 'So bust him,' says the Chief. 'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop. The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!' 'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence. The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?' Cop: 'Bigger.' Chief: ' A senator?' Cop: 'Bigger.' Chief: 'The Prime Minister?' Cop: 'Bigger.' 'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?' Cop: 'I think it's God!' The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?' Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'
My mother in law started groaning at me the other day and looking at me with a squinty eye. She then dragged herself around a bit swinging one arm and reaching at me with the other, still groaning and making primate-like noises. It then struck me that she was doing an excellent impression on an ape, so I laughed and joined in with the fun, jumping around doing a typical monkey impression. My wife then came in, saw what we were doing and joined in. Now there were three of us, arsing around the house doing monkey impressions. My mother in law got tired after about five minutes and slumped down on the couch with her eyes closed looking knackered. Probably should have realised that she was having a stroke.