Did you know: That the words "race car" spelled backward is race car. That "eat" is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense ate. And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells out: "Go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English speaking ass holes and take those hairy-faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat loving, smelly rag head bastards with you." Now how weird is that?
most of the joan rivers roast was a waste, but the line 'I loved you in The Wrestler" was a beaut. No picture needed.
Tarzan gets in a terrible fight with a ferocious lion, and loses an eye, an arm, and his weenie. The animals of the jungle nurse Tarzan back to health. They give him the eye of a hawk, the arm of a gorilla, and for a pecker, they give him a baby elephant's trunk. After about a week, Cheetah comes up to Tarzan and says, "Tarzan, how you like-a your new parts?" Tarzan says, "Eye good...Tarzan see far, clear...Arm good...long, strong...but Tarzan not crazy about new weenie... all day long, pickup weeds and stuff up Tarzan's ass."
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.' So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort. One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, 'That was incredible!' He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.' So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths. After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath. He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?' 'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in New Jersey but I worked both sides of the Hudson !
Some Oldies, a few worth Enjoying! One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing. ***************************************** A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.' ******************************************** Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. ************************************* A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.' ***************************************** Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.' ******************************************** A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always fo rget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.' ******************************************************** Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years. *******************************************