You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? *Get your drunk-ass off the merry-go-round.*
At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three VERY naked, VERY black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a VERY PINK penis. While the couple was scratching their heads trying to figure this out, the artist walked by and noticed the couple's confusion. âCan I help you with this painting?â - he asked. âWell, yes,â - said the gentleman. âWe were curious about this picture of the black men on the bench. Why is it that the man in the middle has a pink penis?â âOhâ - said the artist. âI'm afraid you've misinterpreted the painting. The three men are not Africans, they're coal miners and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch!!!â
Farmer's Intelligence An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and lazy and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
> Earl and Bubba, two good ole boys from Dixie > are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and > drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, > > "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoke to me in over 2 months." > > Earl spits, sips his beer and says, > "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find.
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, have been growing in the woods for decades, when a new tree starts growing between them. The beech says to the birch, "That youngster down there is too far away for me to see clearly, is it a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch responds that the young tree is too far away from it as well. "I cannot tell what it is," he said. Just then a woodpecker lands on the young tree. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The bird agrees and pecks away at the small tree. Addressing the tall trees, the bird says, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. "It is, however, the finest piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!"
The New Element Amsterdam, NL -- September 14, 2007 - Recent hurricane and gasoline issues have provided proof of the existence of a new chemical element. Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every positive action or reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has no half-life; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This activity occurs every 2 years and the morons mostly spin in a counterclockwise (leftward) motion. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical liberilium morass. When catalyzed with large infusions of tax revenue, Governmentium becomes Bureaucratium (Bu), an element that radiates just as little productive energy as Governmentium but has half as many peons and twice as many morons!
The new season is set to begin so - get to know your favorite SEC team !!!!!!? Here is the traditional collegiate football quiz to begin the season. (1) What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? .........Drool. (2) What do you get when you put thirty-two Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? .........A full set of teeth. (3) How do you get a South Carolina cheerleader into your dorm room? .........Grease her hips and push. (4) How do you get a Georgia graduate off your porch? .........Pay him for the pizza. (5) How do you know if a Mississippi State football player has a girlfriend? ........There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup. (6) Why is the Kentucky football team like a possum? .........Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road. (7) What are the longest three years of an Alabama football player's life? .........His freshman year. (8) How many Florida Freshmen does it take to change a light bulb? .........None -- that's a sophomore course. (9) Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco? ........ Baton Rouge , Louisiana . He knew that the police would never look at LSU for a Heisman Trophy winner. (10) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color? .........You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.
16 THINGS THAT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN: by Dave Barry 1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings." 3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." 4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 5. You should not confuse your career with your life. 6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 7. Never lick a steak knife. 8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip. 9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. 10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven. 12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. 13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.) 14. Your friends love you anyway. 15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic. 16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.