J'aime Les Francais - Deux! Q. How many frenchman does it take to gaurd Paris? A. Nobody knows, its never been tried before What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? The Army. Why do frenchmen always wear yellow ties? A. to match their teeth Whats the best place to hide your money? A. under the soap of a frenchman Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney? Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender. Q. Why do French men have moustashes? A. To remind them of their mothers. Q. How do you brainwash a Frenchman? A. Fill up his boots with water Q. Is it rude to call a Frenchman a frog? A. Yes, it is unfair to amphibians. Q. Why do the French cook with lots of garlic? A. To improve their breath. Q. Wy don't the French want to bomb Saddam Hussein? A. He hates America, he loves mistresses and he wears a beret. He is French The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq. Q. Why do the French use a lot of bleach on their sheets? A. So you can see their white flags better. The French are to warfare what the British are to cooking and the Germans to lovemaking You really do have to hand it to the French...After all, they won't fight for it. Q. What happens when a Frenchman doesn't pay his garbage bill? A. They stop delivering. Q. How do you ruin a French party? A. Flush the punch bowl. Q. Why did the Frenchman sell his water skis? A. He couldn't find a lake with a hill in it. Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. All of them: One to screw the bulb in, the rest to brag about how great the French are at screwing. Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. It doesn't matter; if you're depending on the French to do the job, it's screwed anyway. Q. What do you do if a Frenchman throws a pin at you? A. Run like hell - he's still got a hand-grenade between his teeth. Q. Did you hear about the French helicopter crash? A. The pilot got cold, so he turned off the fan. Q. How do you break a Frenchman's finger? A. Hit him on the nose. Q. How do you get a Frenchman out of a bath tub? A. Throw in a bar of soap. Q. What does it say on the bottom of a Perrier bottle in France? A. Open other end. Q. Did you hear about the French hockey team? A. They all drowned in spring training. Q. Did you hear about the new automatic French parachutes? A. They open on impact. Q. Did you hear about the French submarine with a screen door? A. Don't laugh... it keeps the fish out. Q. What did France used to be called? A. Germany, and then we saved them. Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, " says the genie. The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in America was forever made fertile for farming. The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France. The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall. The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out." The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water." Q. What's the difference between a Frenchwoman and a werewolf? A. The Frenchwoman is not quite as hairy but the werewolf smells better Q. Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees? A. So the Germans could march in the shade. Q. What are they calling the Germans, French and Belgians at the Pentagon. A. The Axis of Weasels. Q.The American military wears combat boots. What does the French military wear? A. Track shoes. Q. How do you sink a French battleship? A. Put it in water. Q. Did you hear bout the French Kamikaze? A. He flew 30 successful missions. A French firing squad stands in a circle, then surrenders.
J'aime Les Francais - Trois! Q. Why did the French agree to build the channel tunnel? A. To make it easier to escape to England when the Germans come again. Q. What's green, cold, slimey and croaks? A. A Frenchman Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France. TOP TEN REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH 10 When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay. 9 Experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time. 8 You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs. 7 If there's a war you can surrender really early. 6 You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on TV. 5 You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries. 4 You can be ugly and still become a famous film star. 3 Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride. 2 You don't have to bother with toilets, just use the street. 1 People say you're a great lover even when they know you're not. Q. Why are the French so afraid of war? A. You would be too if you never won one in your history. The French still need more proof that Michael Jackson has had plastic surgery. France did send Inspector Clouseau to Iraq to help with the inspections. Know what he found? -- 20 more votes for Al Gore. Q. What would the French call a nuclear explosion in Paris? A. Proof that more inspectors are needed. "I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq... After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!" A lion in the zoo was lying in the sun licking its rear end when a visitor turned to the zoo keeper and said, "That's a docile old thing isn't it?" "No way," said the zoo keeper, "it's the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged a Frenchman into the cage and completely devoured him." "Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor, "but why is it lying there licking its rear?" "The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth." The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog. The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?" The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?". I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!" The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American. An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know,sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window." A French and American general were surveying a battlefield. A bullet strikes the American general, grazing his arm. He shouts "Aide! Bring me my red jacket!" The French general asks "Why did you do that?" The American general responds "So my men don't see that I'm bleeding, and lose hope." A second bullet narrowly misses the French general's ear, and he shouts: "Aide! Bring me my brown trousers!" A cannibal went into the butcher shop to buy some brains for dinner. She saw that American and British brains were $4.95 per lb and French brains were $450.00 per lb. She gasped and asked the butcher if the price of the French brains were a misprint. "No ma'm," answered the butcher. "That is the correct price." "Well, why are the French brains so expensive?" exclaimed the cannibal. "Do you know how many French it takes to get a pound of brains?" replied the butcher. Q. Did you hear about England's new zoo? A. They put a fence around France. Q. How do you get a one-armed Frenchman out of a tree? A. Wave to him. Q. How do you sink an American battleship? A. Have the French build it. NEWS FLASH: The French Open tennis tournament had to be cancelled. France has plenty of rackets, but no balls. Q. What's the similarity between a Frenchman and a cue ball? A. The harder you hit them, the more English you get out of them. Q. Why do Doctors like to operate on the French? A. Because they have no guts and their heads and asses are interchangeable. Q. How do you say "Give me liberty or give me death!" in French? A. I give up. Q. Did you hear about France's new weapons contracts? A. They gave one to Ace Hardware to produce 250,000 wood sticks...they are still looking for a company to produce 250,000 little white flags. Q. Where are the brave French soldiers buried? A. There aren't any so they had to bury some of ours on their soil.
I have a daughter; my wife and I named her after my (recently deceased) mother. Oh yes..... Passive-aggressive psycho turns five tommorow.
This is........not a joke. ****************** Animals Only Airline Takes Off Monday, July 13, 2009 DENVER ââ¬â A new airline for pets is taking off with weekly flights to five airports across the country. Beginning July 14, Pet Airways is flying pets to and from Baltimore/Washington International; Midway in Chicago; Rocky Mountain Airport in Broomfield, Colo., near Denver; Hawthorne Municipal Airport near Los Angeles; and Republic Airport on Long Island serving the New York City metro area. The airline allows cats and dogs to travel in carriers in the main cabin of the plane, rather than the cargo hold. While some airlines allow small animals to fly in the cabin as long as their carriers fit under the seats, Pet Airways has no limit on size. The carrier will not transport human passengers other than crew and attendants to care for the animals during flights. Pet owners will have to fly separately. One-way fares start at $149. Many of the flights on the airline's limited initial itinerary are already booked full with a waiting list depending on the animal's size. To prevent pets from getting sick, there won't be any beverage or snack service. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,532285,00.html
One of my problems is that I was left an orphan when I was 10 years old. Frankly, what the heck was I supposed to do with an orphan at that age.
Dear Dr Stunata, Q. I'm familiar with the term foreplay but what is afterplay? signed, the girl next door A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
I called Citi bank this morning to get a statement. A message said, "Your call may be recorded for training purposes" so I said, "Don't lend money to people who can't pay it back!" and hung up.