Jokes 2

I asked the doctor for something to improve my sex life

He gave me Viagra.

Unfortunately, having a massive erection doesn't make it easier to pull.

 

A little girl goes into a library to take out a book titled 'Advice for young mothers'.

"Why do you want a book like that?" asks the librarian.

The little girl replies "Because I collect moths"

 

Plane crashes on hillside.

Black box found.

Last words:

''What the fuck is that goat doing all the way up here?''

 

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Jaden, the 9 year Old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Jaden clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID
Ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Jaden grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
Before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it Out.'






So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little brat!

 

I'm not sure if I'm madder about having to read it three times to get it, or reading it three times.

 

From IMAO.US:

WASHINGTON (AP) - Just in time for the document’s 233rd anniversary, President Barack Obama has issued an executive order apologizing to Great Britain for America’s Declaration of Independence in 1776.

Independence? Dumbest idea EVER!
“It’s time to move away from the failed policies of the past,” said Obama during a Rose Garden press conference, “and the first step is apologizing for the original sin of this nation against the sensibilities of the international community.”

“The Declaration of Independence from the wise and benevolent guiding hand of Great Britain was, in the eyes of some, an important step,” said Obama. “But the manner in which it was handled was an affront to acceptable diplomatic norms. This crude and disparaging document heaped numerous, undeserved insults on the divine ruler of our compassionate and nurturing motherland. It used such crass and dispicable terms as ‘tyrant’ and ‘despot’ to describe the gracious tolerance of King George the Third to the aspersions and indignities heaped upon him by a cabal of ungrateful rebels.”

“Therefore,” declared Obama, “we, the people of the United States of America, do formally apologize and ask for the forgiveness of the descendants and heirs of Great Britain’s people and monarchy.”

Reaction to the apology was mixed.

Vice President Joe Biden said the apology was “a good start,” but noted that if we really wanted to make amends for 233 years of disloyalty, America would have to “show our sincerity with deeds, not words”.

“If we really want to make up with Great Britain,” said Biden, “we need to become more like them. We should adopt their health care system. And their ban on guns. And their ban on knives. Man, I hate knives… I cut myself on one last time I was in my secret undisclosed location under the old U.S. Naval Observatory… hey, this is off the record, right?”

Queen Elizabeth the Second said that she would “consider” accepting the apology if Obama would “take back this stupid iPod and send me a Kindle 2.”

 

You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage?
How late do you have to be for a flight where you're like, 'Fuck it - just grab a pile of shit. We'll get a bag at the airport'.

 

CNN:

"# Man dies after falling into vat of chocolate 10 min"


Talk to me about taking 'death by chocolate' a little too serious....

 

Some guy just came up to me in work & said

"Did you know, people have two ears and only one mouth; I guess that means we should listen more, and talk less"

I said "Hmm, maybe, or seeing that you have two legs and only one head, maybe you should think less, and get the fuck outta here!"