AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED ... I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"" Nah, she can order for herself." And then the fight started... A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' And then the fight started..... My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started...My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale. And then the fight started... Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started... My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started...
An Italian, a midget and a Polack get into a cab. The driver takes one look at them and says "sorry gentlemen, i'm a muslim- I just can't take a joke".
2 Iranian diplomats have been kicked out of Britain and returned to Iran. As far as the votes are concerned that's 2 million more for Ahminejad.
After watching the ladies at Wimbledon today my grandad has decided to build a bomb shelter in his garden. When I asked why he said - It sounds like the Russians are coming.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
I went to a used book sale this weekend. I saw a $100 psychology book on sale for $10. I managed to talk the lady down to $5. I only wanted it for the chapters on ethics and morals.
A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKED FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE This is the winner:- My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife, Marrying you screwed up my life. Other good ones: I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes everything you are not. I thought that I could love no other -- that is until I met your brother. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head. I want to feel your sweet embrace; But don't take that paper bag off your face. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -- Damn, I'm good at telling lies! My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way? My feelings for you no words can tell, Except for maybe â'Go to hell.â' What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts tequila, one part lime .............
BBC excerpt: 'President Ahmadinejad on Thursday criticised US President Barack Obama for his condemnation earlier this week of the violence in Iran.'