Gun Control Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence. Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.' Then, little joey,with a Virginia hillbilly twang, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, dumbass, stop clapping!'
ONLY IN AMERICA?.MUST WE SPEND BILLIONS BECAUSE WE CAN'T LET CHRYSLER GO BANKRUPT, AND THEN, LET CHRYSLER GO BANKRUPT. ONLY IN AMERICA?.CAN CONGRESS FORCE FANNIE AND FREDDIE TO BUY SUBPRIME LOANS, AND THEN BLAME FANNIE AND FREDDIE FOR BUYING SUBPRIME LOANS. ONLY IN AMERICA?.YOU CAN BE LEGALLY ILLEGAL ONLY IN AMERICA?.THE CONGRESS MAKES LAWS THAT THEY DON'T HAVE TO FOLLOW ONLY IN AMERICA?.WHERE YOUR VICE PRESIDENT DECLARES 'JOBS' A 3 LETTER WORD. ONLY IN AMERICA...A MAJOR CRISIS REQUIRES SWIFT ACTION TO PASS A BILL WITHOUT READING IT, THEN VACATION FOR THREE DAYS BEFORE THE PRESIDENT HAS TIME TO SIGN IT!! ONLY IN AMERICA...DOES THE MILITARY GET INVESTIGATED BY HOMELAND SECURITY AS POSSIBLE TERRORISTS, WHILE OUR BORDERS ARE WIDE OPEN. ONLY IN AMERICA, CAN YOU GET A TAX REFUND ON TAXES YOU DIDN'T PAY ONLY IN AMERICA, CAN YOU CAN BLAME OTHERS WHEN YOU DON'T PERFORM ONLY IN AMERICA, YOU HAVE MORE RIGHTS BEING ILLEGAL, THAN YOU DO LEGAL ONLY IN AMERICA, CAN YOU BE 13 AND HAVE AN ABORTION WITHOUT TELLING YOUR PARENTS, BUT MUST HAVE A WRITTEN NOTE FROM YOUR PARENT WHY YOU MISSED SCHOOL. ONLY IN AMERICA, ARE YOU PUNISHED FOR GOOD PERFORMANCE AND REVERED FOR NONPERFORMANCE. ONLY IN AMERICA?.CAN YOU CALL LARGE CORPORATIONS EVIL, WHILE 99.9% OF THE AMERICANS WORK IN COMPANIES WITH LESS THAN 500 EMPLOYEES. ONLY IN AMERICA, CAN CHRYSLER GET 10 BILLION IN AID FOR THEIR COMPANY OF 30,000 EMPLOYEES. I GUESS IT IS DIFFICULT TO RUN A COMPANY FOR $333,333.00 PER EMPLOYEE. ONLY IN AMERICA?.WE CARE ABOUT 3 GUYS THAT GET WATER UP THE NOSE, WHILE OUR ENEMIES ARE BEHEADING US AND BLOWING CROWDS OF PEOPLE UP WITH SUICIDE BOMBINGS. ONLY IN AMERICA?.YOU CAN SAY OTHER INTERROGATION TECHNIQUES WORK, BUT YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THOSE TECHNIQUES ARE. ONLY IN AMERICA?.YOU CAN BE PRESIDENT WITHOUT A BIRTH CERTIFICATE ONLY IN AMERICA, DO POLITICIANS CONSIDER 'WE THE PEOPLE' ASTRO-TURF ONLY IN AMERICA, WHATEVER GOES WRONG WITH THE COUNTRY WILL ALWAYS BE BUSH'S FAULT LASTLY, HOWEVER, IN AMERICA, YOU CAN ONLY BE PRESIDENT WHEN THE TELEPROMPTER IS WORKING
Sometimes it works too good. <img src="http://teleprompterpresident.typepad.com/.a/6a0105349f4348970b01156ff37e39970b-pi" />
Computer Virus Alert There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, Internet or simply handed to you by a colleague ... DO NOT OPEN IT. This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly. If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "I've had enough... I'm off to the pub." The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever. Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life...
How ALL phones SHOULD be answered! GOOD MORNING, WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA .......... Please Press '1' for English. Press '2' to disconnect until you learn to speak English.
Speaking of work. I've been working on a new idea for a restaurant called "Chapter 11". I think people would be surprised either way.
More On Work Then there's the old adage: "When you feel tired of not working, sit down, relax a bit and it will soon pass..."
Really, you could get up in the morning and go to a job and lead a useless existence or just stay home and feel useless.
My talking dog gave me a stick the other day and told me he found it 600 miles away. That's a bit far-fetched.
A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet. She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn't help." One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!"