Southern Gentility General Never take a beer to a job interview. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. Dining Out When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. Entertaining In Your Home A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his manners are. Personal Hygiene While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods. Dating (Outside The Family) Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago." Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. Theater Etiquette Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. Weddings Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion. Driving Etiquette Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging Two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. There's a Hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill flies Out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Darn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back And see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!" "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all That money? Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard Backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, Right into my flower beds!" So, I go and stand behind the Bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks His thingie through the bushes, I say '$20 or off it comes!' "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck!" By the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay." :eek:
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother "Franky Brown showed me his willy today!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut" Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, knowingly - "Really small was it?" Sally replied, "No... salty!"
Posthumus Ode To Health Food The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for over sixty years. They were far from rich, but they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they both passed away and went off to Heaven. They reached the pearly ga tes, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. Their favorite clothes were in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when St. Peter said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now." The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, Remember, this is your reward in Heaven." The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?", asked the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day." Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. "That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!" "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never again." All you do here is enjoy yourself." The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your stupid bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!
A Heroic Woman Just after the storm that sank the small vessel, a helicopter dropped a rope to take up the survivors of the shipwreck: ten men and one woman. Yet, as they were all hanging there between life and death, holding onto the slippery cord with every ounce of strength they had, it was obvious that the rope could only hold ten people safely - one of the eleven had to sacrifice his or her life for the others. After some hesitation, the woman cried out that she had decided to jump in the cold water to her death in order to save the rest of them. After all, she said, isn't that the fate of every mother and sister and daughter out there? Aren't they always sacrificing their lives to bring babies in this world, be loving mothers to their children and good wives to their husbands? Don't they always work hard to keep a beautiful home and a job at the same time? Yes, this is the role of a good woman, she said, and for that reason, to show that she really understood her role in the grand scheme of things across the ages, a very important role that most often entails the sacrifice of everything she ever wanted for the sake of those around her, she had decided to let go and save everyone else. Deeply moved, the men applauded her brave and compassionate decision.
There is more truth than poetry in some of these sayings... The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue - Anonymous If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went -Will Rogers There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face -Ben Williams A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself -Josh Billings We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made -M. Acklam Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people,who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate - Sigmund Freud A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perserverance, and to turn around three times before lying down -Robert Benchley If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons -James Thurber You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' - Dave Barry Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole -Roger Caras If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them -Phil Pastorate My goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog thinks I am - Anonymous
How's this look? My apllication to WMT NAME: Nutmeg SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate) DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, would I be applying here in the first place? DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 P.M. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes! WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.