Jokes 2

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by gwb-trading, Apr 30, 2007.

  1. I'm cryin' over that one. How did somebody this perverted get to be a moderator....Oh yeah, it's ET!!
    Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 157 years ago?
    > California became a state. The state had no electricity. The state
    > had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in
    > the streets. So basically it was just like California is today,
    > except the women had real tits and the men didn't hold hands.
    #41     May 7, 2007
  2. Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work

    1. It's an incentive to show up.

    2. It leads to more honest communications.

    3. It reduces complaints about low pay.

    4. Employees tell management what they think, not what
    management wants to hear.

    5. It encourages car pooling.

    6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad
    job, you don't care.

    7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather
    come to work.

    8. It makes fellow employees look better.

    9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

    10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they
    are wasted.

    11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

    12.Employees work later since there's no longer a need
    to relax at the bar.

    13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

    14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on
    their lunch break.

    15. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.

    16. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

    17. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no
    longer be seen as "gross."
    #42     May 7, 2007
    #43     May 8, 2007
  4. Yannis


    Wonderful Elephant Story

    In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

    Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

    Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

    Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

    Which makes me think that this was probably not the same elephant...

    :) :) :)
    #44     May 8, 2007
    murray t turtle likes this.
  5. this one is good
    #45     May 8, 2007
  6. Yannis


    As I've Matured...

    I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

    I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

    I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

    I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

    I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

    I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

    I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

    I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

    I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

    I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

    I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.

    I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

    I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

    I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

    I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

    I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it

    I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

    I've learned that some of the people you care most about in life are taken from you and some of the less important ones just never go away. BUT the real pains are permanent.

    :) :) :)
    #46     May 9, 2007
  7. Doctor's Visit

    A woman went to the doctor's office, where a young, new doctor saw her. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

    An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

    The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

    The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
    #47     May 9, 2007
    Baron likes this.
  8. Yannis


    Smart Kids At Work - Again

    The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade (whatever that means?), in Ohio. They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers. Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and of course, spelling!

    * Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

    * Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but his commandos made it.

    * Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was an actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too.

    * The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.

    * Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

    * In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now.

    * Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."

    * Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems.

    * Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.

    * It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.

    * Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

    * Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.

    * The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

    * Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.

    * Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

    * Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got Shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

    * Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

    * Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

    * The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.

    * Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

    * Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.

    * Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long and people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.

    * Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.

    * Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess.

    :) :) :)
    #48     May 10, 2007
  9. Yannis


    For Lexophiles Only

    1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
    2. A will is a dead giveaway.
    3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
    4. A backward poet writes inverse.
    5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
    6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
    7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
    8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
    9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
    10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
    11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
    12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
    13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
    14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
    15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
    16. A calendar's days are numbered.
    17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
    18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
    19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
    20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
    21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
    22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
    23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
    24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .
    25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
    26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
    27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
    28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
    29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

    :) :) :)
    #49     May 10, 2007
  10. One of the best is missing.

    Toilet stolen from police station. Cops have nothing to go on.
    #50     May 10, 2007
    Baron likes this.