Jokes 2

You must be one of the few that makes your own jokes ! That's pretty smart I reckon. I've had some laughs too

 

A Great Oldie

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl, very loose... I was just minding my own business and she invited me in, for a night of sin...'
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.'
Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself..'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his buddies, Franco and Sal, slide over and whisper, 'What'd you get?'
'4 months vacation and five good leads!'

 

My girlfriend recently asked me to pop in to town and buy her something to make her look sexy.

So you can imagine the look on her face when I returned with a case of beer.

 

New, Improved Class Of European Soccer Fields

These guys really intend to capture all international championships and commissioned new special stadiums.
(Hint: the local team's home side is on the left...)

 

So investors come to me and generally say one of two things, either "Thank God I followed your advice," or "I really feel stupid for not having followed your advice."

OR

Investors come to me and generally say one of two things, either "You're a fuckin know-it all", or "got a quarter".

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hmnnnn. I think I might start a thread called two things.

 

LOL

 

A phone rang in a locker room and a man answered it. Everyone around could hear a woman's voice loud and clear:

"Darling I need to talk to you." she said.
"Erm.. actually I..."
"I knew it! You never have time to talk, and I'm sick of it!" The woman yelled.
"No you've got it wrong." said the man.
"Look." Screamed the woman, "Either you come and talk to me right now or I'm going to fulfill my needs elsewhere. So what are you going to do?!"
"You know what!" Shouted the man, "Have your affair, do whatever the fuck you want you whore." and hung up.

The man then turned around to the rest of the loocker room, who were all staring, and said, "Does anyone know who's phone this is?"

 

The Hairdresser

A woman was at her Italian hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant... Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..."
"Oh, really! WOW!!! What'd he say?"
"He said: "What ignorant imbecile screwed up your hair?"

 

80 percent of GM products are still on the road... the other 20 percent made it home

 

During a State dinner, President Obama was telling off the Brittish diplomat sitting across from him at the table.

“You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me… I have Kenyan blood, Indonesian blood, a little American blood, and some Egyptian blood. What do you say to that?”

The Englishman replied, with a smile, “Very sporting of your Mother.”