I sent this suggestion to medicare. When two nurses move patients from the bed, instead of lifting on the count of three, they should do it on the count of two, thereby speeding up the process by 33%.
I was at McDonalds the other day for a McCafe and saw that guy who was easily 300 lbs. He ordered 3 double cheeseburgers and a large coke. As the clerk was taking his order, the man said "what the heck, give me 3 large french fries too!" Next day I took my son to the movies to see Star Trek. A few seats over was another large man with a huge bucket of popcorn and a giant soda, who was eating and drinking as fast as he could while explaining to the woman next to him that refills (both popcorn and soda) were free if you bought the largest size. Not that I don't have a couple of extra pounds of my own, but, what are we doing to ourselves in this country?!!!
Today I was making myself a jelly sandwich, I opened a new jar, and dropped it on the floor accidentally. While clearing it up I found hundreds of shards of glass in the jelly. Thank god I dropped it, I am worried to think what it would have done if I hadn't.
You are a good man, nutmeg - there are those who would have tried to return the bad jelly to the store!
A Real Classic: BBC Spaghetti Tree Documentary http://news.bbc.co.uk/player/nol/ne...185500/7185593.stm?bw=nb&mp=wm&news=1&bbcws=1 "1957: BBC fools the nation The BBC has received a mixed reaction to a spoof documentary broadcast this evening about spaghetti crops in Switzerland. The hoax Panorama programme, narrated by distinguished broadcaster Richard Dimbleby, featured a family from Ticino in Switzerland carrying out their annual spaghetti harvest. It showed women carefully plucking strands of spaghetti from a tree and laying them in the sun to dry. But some viewers failed to see the funny side of the broadcast and criticised the BBC for airing the item on what is supposed to be a serious factual programme. Others, however, were so intrigued they wanted to find out where they could purchase their very own spaghetti bush. Exotic delicacy Spaghetti is not a widely-eaten food in the UK and is considered by many as an exotic delicacy. Mr Dimbleby explained how each year the end of March is a very anxious time for Spaghetti harvesters all over Europe as severe frost can impair the flavour of the spaghetti. He also explained how each strand of spaghetti always grows to the same length thanks to years of hard work by generations of growers. This is believed to be one of the first times the medium of television has been used to stage an April Fools Day hoax."
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up." "Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. I can see my wife in the bedroom! Wow I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her... He's naked, too!!! The b*tch !!!!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth." "Then the neighbor, just shoot his d*ck off to teach him a lesson." The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" he asked impatiently. "Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."
In these times of recession the only people who find it easy to get a job are midgets. They have tons of friends in high places. -------------------------------------------- So............. Two midgets walk into a mini-bar.
A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a lady midget. Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, âYou promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!â Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says, âTake it easy Dear, Canât you see Iâm trying to taper off ?â
My wife says the other day "I`m worried you're going to catch swine flu 'cos you're a male chauvinist pig." I thought "lucky you there's no cases of fat bitch flu going about or you'd be fucked."