Yo Nutmeg, when you read this get home. Mom died about 2 days ago. Stop reading/posting jokes on here and answer your fucking phone!
Today I tripped as I was going up on an escalator. I fell down the stairs for a fucking hour and a half.
If you guys want to understand how to communicate with a woman, here are 9 of the most important words you will ever hear and what they mean in girl-speak... (1) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. (2) FIVE MINUTES: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. (3) NOTHING: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. (4) GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! (5) LOUD SIGH: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.) (6) THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. (7) THANKS: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever'). (8) WHATEVER: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU! (9) DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, I GOT IT: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.' Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.' 'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause! She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?' 'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?' 'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun. 'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?'
There was that blonde at the mall the other day when the electricity went out because of the storm. Everybody evacuated the place, no problem, but she was stuck on the escalator for over four hours!
Ok, not sure if this is exactly what the joke section is for, but I found it pretty funny. My kids showed it to me, so it isn't dirty, just humorous in a stupid way. Enjoy or delete if you need to. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k3Nqguav6nE
Yes, got it, no fat jokes, absolutely! But... humorous anecdotes about weight-challenged individuals are permitted, right? Especially if such musings on the human condition are besprinkled (ever so gently) with a touch of satirical insight?