A male student wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he gets a part-time job down at the morgue after class so he can practice a little. He uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls the cork out jumps back when music suddenly starts playing! "...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..." The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the doctor and drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again, ". "... On the road again .. . " The doctor is totally unimpressed... "So what?" he says. "Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" the student asked. "Are you kidding?" says the doctor. "Any asshole can sing country music!"
The sign should read "closers". I would see the sign "Now hiring closers" and would point out to my kids that if their last name was closer they would be gaurenteed a job. "Yo, my name is Bob Closer, when do I start?"
What is Politics A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?" Dad says, "Well, son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****
Kids On Dating And Marriage How do you decide who to marrry? You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10 No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. - Kirsten, age 10 What is the right age to get married? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10 No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. - Freddie, age 6 How can a stranger tell if two people are married? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8 What do you think your mom and dad have in common? Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8 What do people usually do on dates? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8 On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - Martin, age 10 What would you do on a first date that was turning sour? I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. - Craig, age 9 When is it okay to kiss someone? When they're rich. - Pam, age 7 The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - Curt, age 7 The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - Howard, age 8 Is it better to be single or married? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9 How would the world be different if people didn't get married? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age 8 How would you make a marriage work? Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. - Ricky, age 10
Not Counting Losses, Citigroup Shows Record Profit - Wall Street Rejoices by Tom Burka Aside from the billions it lost, Citigroup made millions of dollars in profit, wowing battered investors and sending the stock market skyrocketing all the way back up to to last week's horrific low. "It's a miracle!" said one trader, "We're back on track!" "When we examined our books, we found that the months where the government gave us money showed us taking in absolutely whopping amounts of cash," said Citigroup executive Neil Patsy. "We were raking it in. Seriously. The government drove dump trucks to our headquarters and we gathered everything they gave us with rakes." Investors hungry for good news pounced on what some called "interesting accounting practices" to push the market skyward, "or at least to prop it up like a crude box trap held up by a stick tied to a string," said another trader. Economics Professor Urtigan Azkawari, whose ministering to sick companies has earned him the nickname "Dr. Money," said that he was pleased with Citigroup's progress. "Look at the patient," he said. "He's lost his arms, his legs, his kidneys and he's half blind -- but other than that that, he's doing quite well."
Reminds me of the old guy who complains that his vision isn't what it used to be, his legs are bothering him and he can't walk too well, his hearing is shot but he quips "At least I can still drive."