Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'. Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars'. One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars'. The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars.' Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!' Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know - 50 dollars is 50 dollars!'
Liver & Cheese Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, 'The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.' The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, 'I love liver and cheese. 'Oh, how childish,' said the Poodle. 'That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.' She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says 'How well can you do?' 'Um. I HATE liver and cheese,' blurts the Golden Retriever. 'My, my', said the Poodle. 'I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence.' She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, 'How about you, little guy?' The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is a Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says: "Liver alone. Cheese mine."
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM (Can come in handy when you are away.) 1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of used men's size 14-16 work boots. 2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines. 3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine. 4. Leave a note on your door that reads: "Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside." Loading...
A man walked into a very high-tech restaurant in a fancy hotel. As he waited to be seated, he noticed that the Maitre D' was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and said, "Sir, there is a one hour wait. I am programmed to converse with you until a table is ready, If you please." Intrigued, the man said, "OK." The ro bot clicked a couple more times and then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered, "Oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, Interstellar space travel, th e latest medical breakthroughs, etc. The man was most impressed. The next day he returned, But thought he would try a different tack. The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?" This time the man answer ed, "Oh, about 100". So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball Scores,and what to expect the Red Sox to do this weekend. The guy had to try it one more time. So the next day he returned. Again the robot asked the question, "What is your IQ?" This time the man drawled out, " Uh.....'bout 50." The robot clicked, then leaned c lose and very slowly asked, "A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y?"
Al was never good at making jokes. ************************ "He who joyfully marches rank and file, has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would surely suffice." -Albert Einstein
LAWS OF LIFE Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. Law of the Theater: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle always arrive last. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something, which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Rugs/Carpets: The chance of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering is directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. Doctors' Law: If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go tothe doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick. (This law works for cars and car mechanics, too.) Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
lol here's another of his jokes, Man wakes up hearing a little voice in his head "Quit your job, sell the house, and take all your money to Vegas..." He then sells his house, quits the jobs, and gets on the first flight to Vegas. As soon as he lands, the little voice goes "to the nearest casino", and he jumps in the cab. As soon as he walks in, he hears "To the roulette table", he walks over and the little voice screams "Black 13!", and he slams all his money down on the black 13 square. Dealer spins, "red 23" And the little voice goes "fuck!!!"