Jokes 2

I gave up going to the library to get a book on suicide (librarian said to "Fuck off you won't bring it back") so I thought I would try Amazon.

Found one that must be good as nobody has reviewed it.

Site was helpful too

Customers who bought this item also bought:
Rope
Paracetamol
Razor blades
Gas Ovens

 

Apparently Susan Boyle has never been kissed. The thought of that aint so bad, but performing oral sex would be a bit grim.

After 47 years there must be an almighty build-up of cheese.

 

The only time politicians tell the truth is when they call each other liars.

 

You just can’t go to a public pool and splash around any more. Everyone’s swimming laps now.

Some guy swam up to me and said, “How long you gonna be using this lane, dude?”

So I told him “Until my bladder’s empty.”

 

Once upon a time a man asked a woman, "Will you marry me", the woman said "No" !

So the man went golfing, fishing, watched football, went drinking and fucking , and still had money in his pocket at the end of the week, and he lived happily ever after. THE END.

 

How Golf is like Urinating

10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Stay out of the water.
5. Try not to hit anybody.
4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.
3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.
2. Be quiet while others are about to go.
1. Keep strokes to a minimum.

 

Q: What do you do when a blond throws a grenade at you?

A: Pull out the pin and throw it back

 

She's got style........woo hoo

 

Got me a new truck!

I bought a new GMC Sierra and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

"Nelson," the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.

Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant " Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some Mexicans ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "Ass Holes!"

Immediately the Iranian National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on the skin flute, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on Scotch.

I LOVE this truck!