Just Another Groaner A man was walking down the road with a bag of liverwurst under his arm. He came upon a young, very thin boy with a tern under his arm. The man asked "What are you doing with that bird under your arm?â The boy answered" I am very hungry and I want to eat this bird.â The man wanted to save the tern and at the same time ease the boy's hunger, so he traded the bag of liverwurst for the bird. Then of course, he realized that he lost a few $$ in that bargain, which made him feel a little bad. In other words, he now knew that he had taken 'a tern for the wurst.'
A Musical For Our Time http://weblogs.newsday.com/news/opi.../2009/04/animation_recession_singalong_1.html
Oh that's easy, I'm a white Evander Holyfield, just a few years older. I'll never forget the day I was delivering a big screen tv in the hood and when I knocked on the door the lady said "who is it?" I said "Evander Holyfield" she opened the door, looked at me, then turned her head to tell someone else in the room "There's some white guy out here who thinks he's Evander Holyfield" Hmmnnn what does she know.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a âgripe sheet,â which tells mechanic s about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantasâ Pilots (marked with a âPâ) and the solutions recorded (marked with an âSâ) by maintenance engineers. === P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. === P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. === P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. === P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. === P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per-minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. === P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. === P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. === P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: Thatâs what theyâre for. === P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode === P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect youâre right. === P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. === P: Aircraft handles funny S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. === P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. === P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. === P: Noise coming from under instrument panel sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget.
Ya know, the tax relief on wooden arrows is not quite having its intended effect. The economy is still in the dumpster. Currently I am monitoring the tatoo removal tax stimulus program.
Prius Bastard Commercial http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=55452355
The teacher said, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived." An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct." Then a French boy put his hand up and said, "It was Napoleon." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Pierre, that's not right either." Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Maurice, come up here and I'll give you the $2." As the teacher was giving Maurice his money, she said, "You know Maurice, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." Maurice replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business."
IMO, my groaners are groanier than yours: The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Circumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. A rubberband pistol was confiscated from an algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his orders. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationary. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head." I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep Off the Grass.." A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet." A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. Don't join dangerous cults. Practice safe sects!
mmm mmm good! One Payday Mr. Goodbar wanted a Bit O'Honey so he took Miss Hershey back in the Power house on the corner of Clark & Fifth Ave. He began to feel her Mounds and that was sure Almond Joy which made his Tootsie Roll. He let out a Snicker and his Butterfingers went up her Kit Kat and caused a Milky Way. She screamed "O Henry" and squeezed his Zagnuts. Miss Hershey said you were even better than the Three Musketeers. Soon she was a bit Chunky. Nine months later she had a Baby Ruth.