Q. Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? A. Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling placental mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
And finally for today one that all you youngens won't understand: Roy Rogers' Boots One day Roy Rogers was passing the boot maker's shop when he noticed a pair of boots in the window that were the most beautiful he had ever seen. He entered the shop and told the proprietor that he must have the boots that were in the window. The proprietor said the boots were made for someone else, but, if they fit Roy, he could have them and he would make a new pair for the other customer. So Roy proudly left the shop wearing his new boots. However, on the way back to his ranch, it began to rain and as he walked up to the ranch house, his new boots got all muddy. He left them on the porch and entered the house. While he was eating his dinner, a bob cat snuck up onto the porch and grabbed the loops at the back of the boots in his mouth and ran off with both of the boots. Fortunately the cook saw the theft and called Roy. Roy was livid. He whistled for Trigger and took off at a gallop after the bob cat. A few hours later he returned with a dead bob cat across the front of his saddle. The once beautiful boots were hanging out of the saddle bags. They were torn to shreads. As he rode up, the cook hailed Roy. When the cowboy drew near the cook shouted, "Pardon me, Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"
Things you should know about marriage. "The best way to get a husband to do something is to suggest that perhaps he's too old to do it." --Anne Bancroft "My wife dresses to kill -- she cooks the same way!" --Henny Youngman "My mother buried three husbands -- two of them were just napping." --Rita Rudner "My wife and I were happy for 20 years then we met." --Rodney Dangerfield "I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months, I don't like to interrupt her." --Author unkown While speaking to his audience... "Many of you don't know this but I'm a widower, my wife fell in to a wishing well and drowned. Who knew those things worked!" --Henny Youngman
There's not really a history forum so I thought I'd put this tid bit here. I never take things too seriously anyways. ----------------------- The 3 Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hiram, and Max invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17th, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97º. The 3 brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that 3 gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car which was about 130º - turned on the air-conditioner and cooled the car off immediately. The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them 3 million dollars for the patent. The brothers refused saying they would settle for 2 million but they wanted the recognition by having a label "The Goldberg Air-Conditioner" on the dashboard of each car that it was installed in. Now old man Ford was more than just a little bit Anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs' name on 2 million Ford cars. They haggled back and forth for about 2 hours and finally agreed on 4 million dollars and that just their first names would be shown. And so, even today, all Ford air-conditioners show on the controls, the names "Norm, Hi, & Max".
This is pretty much how I feel about heavy metal and farming. <object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Jag7oTemldY&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Jag7oTemldY&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>
This is definately a PG version of the original: __ koala bear and a hooker go back to her place and they get undressed. The koala bear goes down on the hooker for 3 hours straight. She has multiple orgasms!!! After 3 hours he stops, gets up and puts on his little koala clothes. The woman is hanging back huffing and puffing from exhaustion. Oh God, that was great! Now I need my money." The koala bear just looks at her and shrugs. Then the hooker says, "No, I need my money. I'm a hooker and this is how I make a living." The koala bear just looks at her and continues to put on his clothes. Then the hooker gets up and runs to the bookshelf, grabs a dictionary and thumbs it to "hooker." She hands it to the koala bear and it reads: "HOOKER: person who has sex for money." Then the koala bear turns the page to "koala bear" and walks out the door. The hooker reads: "KOALA BEAR: eats bushes and leaves."