Jokes 2

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender says, “What’s wrong?” “I caught my wife in bed with my best friend,” says the man. “That’s just awful. What did you do?” “Well, I looked my wife right in the eyes and said we were through.” “What did you tell your best friend?” “I looked him in the eyes and said, ‘Bad dog!’”

 

Investor Extraordinaire !


On their wedding night, the young bride approached her
new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first
lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her
husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made
love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that
it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and
other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised
to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
his employer was going through a process of corporate
downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely
that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another
position that paid anywhere near what he'd been
earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and
interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she
showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank
which were worth over $2 million, and informed him
that they were one of the largest depositors in the
bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she
had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had
multiplied and these were the results of her savings
and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash! and investments
worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he
could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and
blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you
were doing, I would have given you ALL my
business!"

That's when she shot him.

 

I've noticed a disturbing trend in some of these more elaborately set-up jokes lately: they deliver a perfectly good punchline and... instead of a full stop... keep on going! Whoever is coming up with that travesty of comedy needs to be heckled senseless, until they know when to stop.

 

Subject: Golf Terms

Here are some useful Golf Terms that are not yet in
universal use, but soon may be. !!!

A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole

A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read

A Rock Hudson- thought it was straight, but it wasn't

An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker

A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand

A Kate Winslett - little bit fat but otherwise perfect

A Rodney King - over-clubbed

An O.J. Simpson - got away with it

A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver

A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver

A Michael Jackson - gradually fading

A condom - safe but didn't feel real good

 

How do you tell if a midgets gay?


..when he comes out of the cabinet.

 

There were two midgets in Vegas one weekend. They weren't really winning anything and soon became bored. One midget said to the other, "Why don't we get a couple of prostitutes for the night?" "Good idea!" The other one said.

So, they got their prostitutes and went into their hotels rooms. One of the midgets was getting frustrated, so he kicked the girl out. Since he had nothing better to do, he decided to eavesdrop on his friend. He took a glass, and put it up to the wall.

He heard, "One, two, three, Uh! One, two, three, Uh! The next day, the two midgets were at the bar downstairs from the hotel. The on midget asked, "So, how was it last night?" The other replied, "Aww, the bitch wasn't doing anything for me, so I kicked her out. But I over heard you guys last night; sounded like you were having a lot of fun." The other replied, "Man, are you kidding?!
I couldn't even get on top of the bed!"

 

Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of The
American Indian nation two weeks ago in upper New York State. She spoke
for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native
American's present standard of living, should she one day become the
first female President.

She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed
"yes" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval...

Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed
most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters
and brothers".

At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with
a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs of how they had
come to select the new name given to the Senator.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full
of shit it can no longer fly.

 

Now I do know this is in the wrong forum, but awaayyyy we gooooo. You'll see why.
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Here's one about the old native American who wanted a loan for $500.
The banker pulled out the loan application, "What are you going
to do with the money?"
"Take jewelry to city and sell it," was the response.
"What have you got for collateral?"
"Don't know collateral."
"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of
the loan.Have you got any vehicles?"
"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."
The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"
"Yes, I have a horse."
"How old is it?"
"Don't know, has no teeth."
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.
Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled
out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said.
He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off
"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"
"Put in teepee."
"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.
"Don't know deposit."
"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you.
When you want to use it you can withdraw it."
The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for
collateral?"

 

A young woman walked up to a bleary-eyed, little old man who was shaking all over as he rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how care-free you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life, Sir?"

"I don't know about any secrets of life, lady" the miserable little man whispered, "but I smoke seven packs of cigarettes a day. I also drink a case of whiskey a week, use drugs all the time, eat only the fattiest of foods, sleep with anyone who is too drunk to kick me out of the bed, and never, NEVER exercise."

"That's amazing," said the woman, "that's not what I was expecting, not at all. Please tell me Sir, how old are you?"

"Twenty-six...I think..."

 

Going back to the center....

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Surrounded by Horses Asses

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.



Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in

England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.



Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.


Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.


Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.


So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in (and Europe England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.


And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.


Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a Specification/ Procedure/ Process and wonder "What horse's ass came up with it?" you may be exactly right.


Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses (two horses' asses).

Now, the twist to the story:


When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand
years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's
ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything....and CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else!!