Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes and says: "Nice pigs, sir." The President replies "These are not pigs...these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi." The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes and says, "Excellent trade, sir."
Do you know what happened 159 years ago this fall... back in 1850? California became a state The people had no electricity. The state had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets So basically nothing has changed except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands...
Another Great Oldie: Lessons From Yogi Yogi Berra was a better baseball player than he was a speaker, but he's probably quoted more than Churchill. Much of what he said seems silly; until you think about it for a moment...then you discover a more profound meaning. Here are a few of my favorite Yogi-isms. Each is like a Rorschach test and self-help course rolled up into one: ⢠"You can't think and hit at the same time." ⢠"Nobody goes there; it's too crowded." ⢠"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore." ⢠"The only reason I need these gloves is 'cause of my hands." ⢠"We were overwhelming underdogs." ⢠"The other team could make trouble for us if they win." ⢠"It's never happened in World Series history, and it hasn't happened since." ⢠"It's d`ej`a vu all over again!" ⢠"We made too many wrong mistakes." ⢠"If people don't come to the ballpark, how are you gonna stop them?" ⢠"If you ask me a question, I don't know -- I'm not going to answer." ⢠"Slump? I ain't in no slump...I just ain't hitting." ⢠"It was hard to have a conversation with anyone, there were too many people talking." ⢠"Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel." ⢠"When you come to a fork in the road, take it." ⢠"We're lost, but we're making good time." ⢠"If the world were perfect it wouldn't be." ⢠"If I didn't wake up I'd still be sleeping." ⢠"I usually take a two hour nap from 1 to 4." ⢠"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him." ⢠"It gets late early out here." ⢠"90% of the game is half mental." ⢠"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't go to yours." ⢠"Steve McQueen looks good in this movie. He must have made it before he died." ⢠"I'm as red as a sheet." ⢠"I wish I had an answer to that because I'm tired of answering that question." ⢠"Pair up in threes." ⢠"Congratulations. I knew the record would stand until it was broken." ⢠"Don't get me right, I'm just asking!" ⢠"Never answer an anonymous letter." ⢠"You can observe a lot by watching." ⢠"It's not too far, it just seems like it is." ⢠"You've got to be careful if you don't know where you're going 'cause you might not get there." ⢠"We have a good time together, even when we're not together." ⢠"Little League baseball is a good thing 'cause it keeps the parents off the streets and it keeps the kids out of the house!" ⢠"The future ain't what it used to be." ⢠"It ain't over till it's over." ⢠"I really didn't say everything I said."
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them. There are two lessons here, Voyeurwebbers: 1. Men never learn. 2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men would like to think.
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you. "You're going straight to hell!" The drunk says "whoops wrong bus".
I happen to like blondes 1. they are prettier 2. less back-chat 3. easier to convince that its really their fault