Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and itâs up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Central banks' easy virtue, easy money By Julian Delasantellis There's an old story about the late British statesman Winston Churchill at a party. Probably on one of those many nights where never in the field of human excess had so much cognac, brandy and scotch been consumed by a person who historians now say was not an alcoholic, he staggered up to a socialite matron and posed a question: Churchill: "Madam, would you sleep with me for 5 million pounds?" (In the 1930s, when the British pound was worth more than twice as much to the US dollar than it is now, this was a particularly impressive sum over which to surrender one's virtue.) Woman: "My goodness, Mr Churchill ... Well, I suppose ... we would have to discuss terms, of course." Churchill: "Would you sleep with me for 5 pounds?" Woman: "Mr Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!" Churchill: "Madam, we've already established that. Now we are haggling about the price."
More From Churchhill "Sir, you are drunk!!" "And you, Lady, are ugly. However, 'I' will be sober in the morning!" "Sir, if I was your wife, I would put poison in your drink!" "Lady, if I was married to you, I would happily drink it!" "I never made a mistake in my life!!! ... ... At least, a mistake I was not able to explain... "
FROM THE MYSTERIOUS MIND OF STEPHEN WRIGHT I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. I had amnesia once - maybe twice. I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle. What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them. Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone. What if there were no hypothetical questions? One nice thing about egotists ... they don't talk about other people. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? My weight is perfect for my height ... which varies. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. How can there be self-help "groups"? Is there another word for synonym? The speed of time is one second per second. Is it possible to be totally partial? Is Marx's tomb a communist plot? If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
A Woman's Wrath... This old man was feared by all his neighbors because they believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs and strange sounds and mysterious events at all hours. Every time he had a confrontation with his wife, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night along with the same statement: âWhen I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!â Well, he died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The cheerfulness of her actions was becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: are you not afraid? Worried? Concerned? That this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life? The wife put down her drink and said, âLet the jerk dig, and dig, and dig some more, as much as he wants. I had him buried upside down!â
There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. So THAT'S the girl I want!" Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.The Madam stopped him and asked, Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others? "He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the babysitter's, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease.. and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"
THE VALUE OF UNDIES Here's your weekly safety brief. Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle ... especially in public. From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward,quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
The New Doctor A woman went to medical office, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. Her complaint was that she was suffering from ccontinuous hiccups. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room and then marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
A wino dug around through all his pockets and produced $5.00. He went to the corner market, laid out the cash and asked for as much cheap wine as he could get. The clerk handed him 2 bottles and the wino departed. He went down the alley, downed both bottles, and passed out. A little while later a homosexual, depressed from a night of rejection, wandered down the same alley. He saw the wino, thought about it, and decided he would have his way after all. However, upon finishing the deed, he felt really guilty. He checked and only had $10.00, so he put it in the wino's coat. The next night, the wino discovers the $10.00, walks into the corner store and asks for as much wine as her could get. The clerk hand over 4 bottles which the wino then takes down the alley, consumes, and passes out. Sure enough, the same homosexual passes through the alley. This time, however, he is with 9 of his gay friends. Upon seeing the wino, he confesses the previous night's deed. His friends are intrigued, so as a group, they take their turns with the wino. And like the night before, each one leaves $10.00 for the wino. The next day the wino finds the $100.00 and goes into the corner store. He asks the clerk for 2 bottles of the nicest wine that his $100.00 could get him. The astonished clerk replies that for $100.00, he could get 40 bottles of the cheap stuff. The wino demands finer wine, explaining that the 'cheap stuff' was really tearing his ass up.