My mm warned me that masturbation would make me blind and in a way she was right - my arm's too tired to pick up my glasses.
Occasionally one comes across a joke well worth passing on. This is one of those :- The Title sounds like an ad from a top shelf magazine ...thats because it is....LOL This is supposedly a real letter. TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE Dear Mr. Thatcher I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horse riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing? As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realise it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that the UK is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period." Are you *+*#*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Nurofen and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Tesco's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"?- Or are you just picking on us? Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an £8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull*%@?. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
This one really hits home. My Unc had a rooster and I was a city boy and this vid pretty much sums up my encounter around the same age.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange: Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.' Citibank 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.' Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.' Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.' Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?' Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!' Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?' Citibank:'Excuse me?' Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?' Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.' Supervisor gets on the phone: Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.' Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.' Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?' Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?' Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given) Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?' Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given ) After they get the fax: Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.' Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.' Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.' (What is wrong with these people?!?) Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?' Citibank: 'That might help...' Family Member: 'Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.' Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!' Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???' Priceless!! Have you wondered why Citi is going broke and need the feds to bail them out!! :
One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire." The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."