The Five Stages of Drinking, from Larry Miller at http://www.larrymillerhumor.com/media/ LEVEL 1: It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool.". LEVEL 2: It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool.". LEVEL 3: One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool.". LEVEL 4: Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an ...after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well.... STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ...................cool. LEVEL 5: Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five- the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!"
Ahhh...memories. Looking back I had some very understanding employers. I should add though, one morning I was drinking orange juice at work and my boss came over and took a sip, I'm sure he was checking to see if anything else was in it. (old fashioned alcohol test).
A lady midget had two small children who kept on showing up at the emergency room with all sorts of sicknesses. After a while the emergency room staff got wise and suspected that the lady midget was making the kids sick on purpose so they reported her to the police. The police arrested the lady midget and sent her to a psychiatrist who then determined that she was suffering from munchkinhausen by proxy syndrome.
This was written by Michael Lewis in '07, I thought it was funny. Sept. 5 (Bloomberg) -- So right after the Bear Stearns funds blew up, I had a thought: This is what happens when you lend money to poor people. Don't get me wrong: I have nothing personally against the poor. To my knowledge, I have nothing personally to do with the poor at all. It's not personal when a guy cuts your grass: that's business. He does what you say, you pay him. But you don't pay him in advance: That would be finance. And finance is one thing you should never engage in with the poor. cont.on link http://www.thefastlanetomillions.com/3962-post1.html
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On the first day, God created private ownership. Second day, he created the market. Third day he created lending/borrowing/interest/credit. Fourth day he created forex. Fifth day he created securities market. Sixth day he created the SEC. On the seventh day, the market sold off and God lost his reputation.
Jim Cramer vs Jon Stewart http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49-h...videos/2009/03/jim-cramer-vs-john-stewart.cfm http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJE1...videos/2009/03/jim-cramer-vs-john-stewart.cfm
From http://iowahawk.typepad.com/ Dear Barry: I've had a bit of a bad luck patch over the last month (losing my job, watching my 401k completely disintegrate, etc., etc.) and ended up relocating from a high rise in Lincoln Park to a new neighborhood along the Fullerton underpass on the Kennedy Expressway. I was a bit worried about the move at first, but my new neighbors have been great. In fact on move-in day they greeted me with a grocery cart "welcome wagon" containing some lovely and practical gifts like cans of Sterno, cardboard, fortified wine, and a hypo-allergenic harmonica. I would like to show my appreciation with thoughtful "thank you" gifts. Can you recommend something nice that won't break my budget ($3.00 total for 6 gifts)? Please help! Barbara in Chicago Dear Barbara: With my busy schedule of entertaining foreign dignitaries and celebrities at the White House, I know how important a well chosen gift can be. Two weeks ago, for example, we received a visit from British Prime Minister Gordon Brown. The Prime Minister brought a few housewarming gag gifts including a pen set made from a boat, a framed paper thing from another boat, and some old books by Churchill (not Ward, but that English guy). Obviously we wanted to return the nice gesture so I sent my interns out on a scavenger hunt for an appropriate present. They couldn't find anything in the West Wing, but luckily Costco was open and was running a 25-for-the-price-of-10 clearance sale in the DVD department. You should have seen Mr. Brown light up when he opened that sack of classic titles like "Wizard of Oz" and "Baby Geniuses 2." I like to think those DVDs helped cement our Anglo-American "special relationship" even if, as he mentioned to me, they probably wouldn't work in his European player. Thinking quickly, I told the PM I would send him an American DVD player as soon as I earned enough cash-back points on my Costco card. Crisis averted, but that episode taught me a valuable lesson: always keep a stock of gifts handy in case some foreign poobah or supreme religious figure or failing industry leader pops by for coffee. As a result, I make sure the Oval Office closet is filled with pre-wrapped Sham-Wows and Snuggle blankets and trillion dollar bailout packages for whatever gift emergency might arise. Sometimes, though, the occasion calls for a gift with the warm "personal touch" that reflects the personality and tastes of the recipient. For example, my wife Michelle is very involved with fashion, fitness, and beauty, so for our 10th anniversary I gave her a Norelco heavy duty personal ear and nose hair groomer. Sure, it was expensive, but that glare of delight in her eyes was more than enough payback for the $89.95 price plus $20 for shipping and monogramming. When I sent Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to meet with a Russian delegation last week, she brought along a cute novelty "panic button" from Spencer Gifts that my staff relabeled with the Russian word for "Reset" as a humorous token of America's new gentler approach to diplomacy. Even though they pointed out the word actually translates as "Vaporize," the Russians still had a good laugh because I think they understood where we were coming from. It was such a hit that later this year when we meet with the Iranians we are planning to bring along a Big Mouth Billy Bass that sings "Don't Worry Be Happy" in Farsi. If there's anything I've learned about international relations, it is to bring a fun gift and leave the attitude and preconditions behind. But let's get back to your situation. At $0.50 per gift I'm afraid there aren't a lot of good shopping options. You might think about buying your neighbors a couple shares of GM, Citicorp or the New York Times Company, but even if you could afford the transaction fees the shares would probably continue to deteriorate out there in the elements. The Dollar General nearby on Belmont stocks a big selection of weather-proof plastic utensils and sponges, but at $1 each you will probably have to pare back your gift list. My advice is to focus your generosity on those underpass neighbors who control the biggest voting blocs. Happy gifting!
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(That crazy nutmeg!) Vt. Hunter Busted for Bolting Antlers on Dead Doe By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS Published: March 14, 2009 BURLINGTON, Vt. (AP) -- A man who bolted antlers to the head of a dead doe and posed for a photograph with the deer was fined $400 and jailed for game violations. Marcel Fournier (called "nutmeg" by ETers), 19, shot the deer the evening of Nov. 22 and used lag bolts and epoxy to attach a 10-point rack, officials said. He then checked in the kill as lawful game at Barnie's Market. It's illegal to kill an antlerless deer, and it's also illegal to hunt at night. The Concord resident admitted to the killing and led a game warden to the deer's remains after an anonymous caller alerted authorities. Fournier said he had ''quite a time'' drilling and fastening the antlers, authorities said. Game warden David Gregory said the antlers didn't look or feel right. ''When you grabbed them, you'd feel movement,'' he said. Col. David LeCours, chief warden of the state Department of Fish and Wildlife, said the size of the antlers relative to the size of the deer seemed off. ''Something wasn't natural about them, in addition to the fact that they weren't natural,'' he said. Fournier was sentenced to 10 days in jail Feb. 18 for taking a deer in a closed season. He won't qualify for a state hunting, fishing or trapping license for at least three years. LeCours said add-on antlers are the stuff of legend, but that it's the first documented case of it in Vermont.