This guy walks out of a bar very drunk. He gets in his car and starts driving home. A police officer spots him and stops the dude. Policeman: Sir, your eyes are red, have you been drinking? Drunk: Your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts?
Two guys are out having lunch. The first guy says, "Man, I really screwed up with my wife yesterday. We were coming back from our vacation, and there was this GORGEOUS blonde behind the counter at the train station. What I MEANT to say was, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh', but what I REALLY said was 'I'd like two pickets to titsburgh'. My wife got really pissed." The second guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. The other day my wife and I were having breakfast. What I MEANT to say was, 'Could you please pass the Post Toasties', but what I REALLY said was, 'YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE YOU ****ING WHORE!!!!"
Old But Funny Marriage (Part I) Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said: "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at ten o'clock every night...whether you're present or not." (DARN SHE'S GOOD!) ************************************************ Marriage (Part II) Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone That reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever!'" "Yeah?" she replies "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone That reads, 'Here Lies My Husband! -- Stiff At Last!'" (HE AS ASKED FOR IT!) ***************************************** Marriage (Part III) Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!" (YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!) ***************************************** Marriage (Part IV) A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four." (RIGHT ON, LADY!) ***************************************** THE SILENT TREATMENT A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it... The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he Noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM Wake up." Men are just not equipped for these kinds of contests...
Last time I went to confession the priest told me he couldn't absolve me if I didn't confess ( I suppose I came across as just looking for a blessing). I asked for a few hints on types of sins to see I qualified for absolution. We ended up getting into an arguement about what is and is not a sin and the priest said my time was almost up and I confessed that someone on yahoo finance called me a liar. It is not my fault I was just repeating something I heard on Mad money.
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He had a lump in his throat as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. 'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked. 'They're mating,' her father replied. 'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked. 'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered. 'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.' The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying, 'Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback Mountain shit in our garden.'