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A woman awakened during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She put on her dressing gown and went downstairs to look for him. She found him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee. He was in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watched as he wiped a tear from his eye and took a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear? " she whispered as she stepped into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looked up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he said solemnly. The wife was touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replied. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car? " "Yes, I remember! " said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too," she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said ... "I would have been released today."
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A couple goes to a marriage counselor to work out some problems. The counselor sits them on the couch and says 'For starters, lets talk about something you both have in common. The husband says 'Well, neither of us suck dick.'
Two seniors are having a 69. After five minutes he says, "Sorry, love, the smell's too bad down there - I can't carry on." "That'll be my arthritis," she says. "What? I never heard of anyone having arthritis in their ass before." "No," she says. "It's in my arms and hands... I can't wipe my ass."