"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore. "Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on." The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
Summary Of Life GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 6-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 3) Families are like fudge..mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone. THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE: 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus. SUCCESS: At age 4 success is . not piddling in your pants. At age 12 success is . . having friends. At age 17 success is . having a driver's license. At age 35 success is . . having money. At age 50 success is . having money. At age 70 success is . having a driver's license. At age 75 success is . . having friends. At age 80 success is . not piddling in your pants.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Why did the brocoli cross the kitchen floor? It was stuck up mom's vegan's ass
A guy wanted to know why we can't get an accurate measure of how much oil we have in this country. I said it's because the oil is out in the western states, but all the dipsticks are in Wash., D.C.
Lyrics for the times: " Big Rock Candy Mountain One evening as the sun went down and the jungle fire was burning Down the track came a hobo hiking and he said boys I'm not turning I'm headin for a land that's far away beside the crystal fountains So come with me we'll go and see the Big Rock Candy Mountains In the Big Rock Candy Mountains there's a land that's fair and bright Where the handouts grow on bushes and you sleep out every night Where the boxcars are all empty and the sun shines every day On the birds and the bees and the cigarette trees Where the lemonade springs where the bluebird sings In the Big Rock Candy Mountains In the Big Rock Candy Mountains all the cops have wooden legs And the bulldogs all have rubber teeth and the hens lay soft boiled eggs The farmer's trees are full of fruit and the barns are full of hay Oh, I'm bound to go where there ain't no snow Where the rain don't fall and the wind don't blow In the Big Rock Candy Mountains In the Big Rock Candy Mountains you never change your socks And the little streams of alcohol come a-trickling down the rocks The brakemen have to tip their hats and the railroad bulls are blind There's a lake of stew and of whiskey too You can paddle all around 'em in a big canoe In the Big Rock Candy Mountains In the Big Rock Candy Mountains the jails are made of tin And you can walk right out again as soon as you are in There ain't no short handled shovels, no axes saws or picks I'm a goin to stay where you sleep all day Where they hung the jerk that invented work In the Big Rock Candy Mountains I'll see you all this coming fall in the Big Rock Candy Mountains" Version: Harry McClintock
Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico .. This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. . Air Force and other federal agencies and Organizations However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born: Albert A. Gore, Jr. Hillary Rodham John F. Kerry William J. Clinton Howard Dean Nancy Pelosi Dianne Feinstein Charles E. Schumer Barbara Boxer See what happens when aliens breed with sheep? No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!
I think this is a misprint. It should have read "hard attack". All I got when I did it was a stiff neck, And I had to pay $4300. Man, 28, Dies After 'Guzzling' Viagra During 12-Hour Romp Thursday, February 26, 2009 A Russian man died after guzzling a bottle of Viagra to keep him going for a 12-hour orgy with two female pals. The women had bet mechanic Sergey Tuganov $4,300 that he wouldnât be able to follow through with the half-day sex marathon. But minutes after winning the bet, the 28-year-old died of a heart attack, Moscow police said. âWe called emergency services but it was too late, there was nothing they could do,â said one of the female participants who identified herself only as Alina.
Dear Employees, Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be considered for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management. Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Supervisor, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle. Sincerely, The Management,
I think testing cosmetics on animals is wrong. Even if my dog does look fucking hot with lipstick on.