An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man cut a fart and says "seven points." His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?" The old man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 7 to nothing." A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie, score." After about ten minutes later he old man farts again and says, Touchdown I'm ahead 14 to 7. Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says, "Touchdown, tie score." The old man strains really hard but, to no avail he can't fart, so not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and strains real hard to get out just one more fart. Straining real hard the old man tries so hard he poops in the bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides."
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his cell phone (Thank god for cell phones!). "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons. Have a nice day."
An American tourist goes on a trip to China .. While in China , he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his "tool" covered with bright green and purple freckles. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days. The man returns a couple of days and the doctor says "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it". The man looks a little perplexed and says "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up doc". The doctor answers "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your " coloured implement". The man screams in horror "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion". The doctor replies "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice". The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his tool and proclaims "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease". The guy says to the doctor "Yeah yeah, I already know that but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my tool?" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. They make more money that way. No need to opelate!" "Oh Thank God!" the man replies. "Yes" says the Chinese doctor "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money"
Confessions A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his friend Joe, a retired merchant from across the street, and asked him to cover for a few hours. Joe told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. Joe consented to help, came over and he and the priest entered the confessional. A few minutes later, a woman comes in and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do?" "I committed adultery," said the woman. "How many times?" asked the priest. "Once," replied the woman. "Say three Hail Mary's, put $5 in the poor box, and go and sin no more," the priest instructed. A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned." "What did you do?" asked the priest. "I committed adultery," said the man. "How many times?" "Three times," replied the man. "Say ten Hail Mary's, put $10 in the poor box and go and sin no more," said the priest. Joe tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned." "What did you do?" asked Joe from behind the screen of the confessional. "I committed adultery," said the woman. "How many times?" "Once," said the woman. "Say three Hail Marys and pay $5 in the charity boxâ said Joe. âBut, if you go right now and do it two more times, we have a special this week, three for $10!"
Mexican Earthquake A big earthquake with the unbelievable strength of 9.1 on the Richter scale hits Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start. The country is asking for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Other Latin American countries are sending supplies. China is sending rice and tofu. The European Union (except France) is sending money. The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans to replace the dead ones. Another million is standing by!
^^ Reminds me of an oldie but goodie. You know why Mexico doesn't have an Olympic Team? Every Mexican that can run, swim or jump is in the United States!
These 16 Police Comments were (supposedly) taken off actual police car videos around the country: #16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through." #15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while." #14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." #13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." #12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." #11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" #10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?" #9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." #8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?" #7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey crap." #6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." #5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC." #4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?" #3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can." #2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail." AND THE WINNER IS.... #1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
Psychiatric Humor "Doctor, there's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. He claims he's invisible..." "Just go back and tell him I can't see him!"