Jokes 2

Guess which one is me.

 

I told my friend he should become a Muslim.

He said the Quran's a load of bs.

I told him his wife's face would benefit from a Burkha.

 

I got a new Rolex for my birthday from the lesbian girls next door.

I think they misunderstood me when I said, 'I wanna watch.'

 

I slapped my girlfriend in the face with my cock yesterday...

The feathers went everywhere!

 

At hearings this week, Congress asked the CEO’s of the eight largest banks to explain how they squandered away billions of taxpayer money.

To which the CEO’s said, “You go first.”

 

Wrt HMOs

Doctor: "You have pneumonia."

Patient: “That's terrible! Can I get a second opinion?"

Doctor: “Sure. Come back tomorrow.”

 

This biker went to a store the other day, and was in there for only about 5 minutes. However, when he came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket. So the biker went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

The cop ignored him and continued writing the ticket. So the biker called the cop a pencil-necked Nazi.

The cop glared at him and started writing another ticket for having worn tires! So then the biker called the cop a piece of horseshit.

The cop finished the second ticket and put it on the cars windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes and the more the biker abused the cop, the more tickets he wrote.

Of course, the biker didn't care. His motorcycle was parked around the corner.

 

Oldie But Goodie

1 .. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2 .. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
1 2.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
13.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
14.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
15.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
16.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
17.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
18. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
19.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
20.. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
21 .. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
22 .. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
23.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

 

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Funniest thing I've ever seen.