THE YEAR'S BEST (actual) HEADLINES OF 2006 : Crack Found on Governor's Daughter [hmm!] Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [No, really?] Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [Now that's taking things a bit far!] Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? [ ! Do they ever read what they write?] Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [What a guy!] Miners Refuse to Work after Death [No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!] Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [See if that works any better than a fair trial!] War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!] If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [You think?!] Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [Who would have thought!] Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [They may be on to something!] Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!] Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge [He probably IS the battery charge ] New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [Weren't they fat enough?!] Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That's what he gets for eating those beans!] Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [Taste like chicken?] Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!] Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!] And the winner is.... Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Did I read that sign right?
Guts and balls: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below... GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the balls to say: "You're next." I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death!!!!!.
A nice quote about God: "If God answers your prayer, He is increasing your faith. If he delays, He is increasing your patience. If he delays, He knows you can tackle it!"
Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's Home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny , Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school." Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school." After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom says, "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?" He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
No offence Amish people: An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up. The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and it warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and it warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid. The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, . . "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!?"
Hear about Melissa Ethridge??? They found her face down in Rikki Lake. (Not that there 's anything wrong w/that).
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, > looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his > sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is > watching you." > > He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. > When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised > himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and > began searching for more valuables. > > Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear > as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." > > Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the > source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight > beam came to rest on a parrot. > > Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. > > "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." > > > The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" > > Moses," replied the bird. > > "Moses?" the burglar laughed.. "What kind of people would name a bird > Moses?" > > "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
Medical Issues vs. Ethics An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. Doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face. Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating.." "Oh, Dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock. "We've never had a DEMOCRAT in the family before."