Why tequilia is bad for you: <IMG SRC=http://www.elitetrader.com/vb/attachment.php?s=&postid=2289232>
By Attorney: Have you ever heard of Sigmund Freud? By Juror: Yes. Attorney: What have you heard? Juror: He's in Las Vegas. By the Court: I think you're thinking of Siegfried & Roy, aren't you? Juror: That's what I'm doing.
By Attorney: Are you married? By Witness: No. I'm divorced. Attorney: And what did your husband do before you divorced him? Witness: A lot of things I didn't know about.
Members of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee spent their ten minutes of questions on their own particular pet issues regarding Hillary Clinton nomination to Sec. of State. ----------------------- Have you read all the John Grisham novels? Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon? What do you like on your pizza? Asphinctersays WHAT? How 'bout that O.J. mess? Okay, let's say a long-time senator from a very famous family goes for a drive with his secretary, and kind of, ya know, drives off a bridge or something, killing the babe; he wouldn't be guilty, would he? Ever done Madonna? Should the rabbit be allowed to eat Trix? Is justice a) eagle-eyed, b) sorta near-sighted, or c) blind as a bat? Is that Regis Philbin just nuts or what? Have you ever appeared, or do you ever plan to appear in a Bruce Willis movie? Got any naked photos of your illegal nanny? Can you give Justice Souter a lift to work when his mom's sick? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you if its still okay..." "I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No," Brenda confessed. "What he wants to know is if I can still mow the lawn."
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students ...?" "Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three." "Test of Three?" "That's correct," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it." "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" "No, on the contrary..." "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass though, because there is a third test -- the filter of usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?" "No, not really..." "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.................................
A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it. The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later. As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, 'Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished.' Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, 'Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer's' asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's 2:30 in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump shit out of an aircraft. Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?'