You were so ugly as a child, your mother had to feed you with a sling shot!!! Your mama is like the Goodwill all ready been used!
Why Men Have Better Friends Women's Friends: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The husband called his wife's ten best friends. None of them had seen her or knew what he was talking about. Men's Friends: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
A farmer buys a young rooster to impregnate his chickens. The young rooster struts into the barn and yells to the old rooster, âGet out, old man! This is my barn now!â âTell you what,â says the old rooster. âIâll race you around the farm; winner gets all the chicks.â The old rooster takes off toward the front of the house with the young rooster chasing him. The farmer takes one look at the roosters, pulls out his shotgun, and blows the young one away. âDammit,â says the farmer. âThatâs the third gay rooster Iâve bought this month!â
Betreff: n guter Witz An old man sits down in the confessional at the church, and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest says, "Tell me of your sins, my son." The old man says, "Well, Father, I'm 90 years old; I've been married to my wife for 70 years, and in all that time I've always been faithful. But last night, I made love to two beautiful 19-year-old girls! We did it three times!" The priest says, "I see. Tell me, how long has it been since your last confession?" The old man says, "Oh, I've never been to confession. I'm Jewish." The priest says, "So what are you telling me for?" And the old man says, "I'm telling everybody!"
The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Governmentium. Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take over four days to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred toas critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium...an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
A minister died and found himself in line at the Pearly Gates behind a man wearing sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. St. Peter asked the man, "State your name so I may determine whether to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven." The man replied, "I'm Joe, the taxi driver, from Noo Yawk City." St. Peter consulted his list, smiled and said, "Here, take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." As the taxi driver entered Heaven, St. Peter turned to the minister. "State your name so I may determine whether to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The minister stood up tall and said, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years." St. Peter consulted his list, smiled and said, "Here, take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The minister was confused. "Hey, wait a minute. That guy drove a taxi and he gets silk and gold, while I spent my life ministering and I get cotton and wood? How can this be?" "Simple," said St. Peter. "Up here, we go by results. When you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed!"
Good Suggestion "Hello." "Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking." "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad, or terrible." "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's." "That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward. "Normally we can, but your insurance will only pay for these expensive tests one time." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "I would recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him again!
This is kinda old, but still funny as shit. Why do we laugh at someone else's misfortune? <object width='448' height='336'><param name='movie' value='http://www.glumbert.com/embed/anchorlaughfall'></param><param name='wmode' value='transparent'></param><embed src='http://www.glumbert.com/embed/anchorlaughfall' type='application/x-shockwave-flash' wmode='transparent' width='448' height='336'></embed></object><div><a href='http://www.glumbert.com/media/anchorlaughfall'>glumbert.com - News anchors can't stop laughing at falling model</a></div>
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: 'Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?' Don't laugh, he won!