Jokes 2

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by gwb-trading, Apr 30, 2007.

  1. A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an
    assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story
    with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids
    came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

    Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot
    of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs
    to market in a basket on the front seat of the car
    when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs
    went flying and broke and made a mess and the moral
    of the story is,

    'Don't put all your eggs in one basket'!"


    "Very good," said the teacher.

    Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our
    family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the
    meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when
    they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the
    moral to this story is "Don't count your chickens before
    they're hatched'."


    "That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story
    to share?"

    "Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt
    Shirley. Aunt Shirley was a flight engineer on a plane
    in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail
    out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle
    of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank
    the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break
    and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.


    She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until
    she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more
    with the machete until the blade broke. And then she
    killed the last ten with her bare hands."


    "Good heavens" said the horrified teacher, "What kind
    of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible
    story?"

    "Stay away from Aunt Shirley when she's been drinking."
     
    #31     May 3, 2007
    ThunderThor and murray t turtle like this.
  2. Yannis

    Yannis

    Human Life

    God created the donkey & said to him: “You will work unceasingly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence & you will live 50 years.
    You will be a donkey. “The donkey answered: “I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is too much. Give me only 20 years. God granted his wish.
    God created the dog and said to him: "You will be a dog.” You will guard the house of man. You will be his best friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 25 years. You will be a dog. “The dog answered: “Master, to live 25 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted his wish.
    God then created the Monkey and said to him: “You will be a monkey.” You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. You will be a monkey. “The monkey answered: “Master to live 20 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted his wish.
    Finally God created the man and said to him: “You will be a man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth.” You will use your intelligence to become master over all animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years.
    Man responded: "I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused. God granted his wish.
    And since then, man lives 20 years as a man, he marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back. Then when his children are gone, he lives 15 years like a dog, taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house, from one son or daughter to another, doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.

    :) :) :)
     
    #32     May 4, 2007
  3. Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?" Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to? "Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock. "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore." Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.
    "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
    "I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the bastard."
     
    #33     May 4, 2007
    murray t turtle likes this.
  4. this blonde


    walks into a bar





































    with a 5 foot salami under one arm and a monkey under the other..


















































































    ahh forget it you already heard it
     
    #34     May 5, 2007
  5. Lucrum

    Lucrum

    I met an older woman at a bar last night.
    She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and bullshitted a bit, then she asked
    if I'd ever had the 'sportsman's double', a mother and daughter threesome?
    I said no.
    We drank a bit more, then she said that tonight was my lucky night.
    We went back to her place.
    She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mom you still awake?"
     
    #35     May 7, 2007
  6. Lucrum

    Lucrum

    Hillary Clinton said that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic athlete. But she was not athletic enough. She said she wanted to be an astronaut, but at the time they didn't take women. She said she wanted to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy. Should she be telling people this story? I mean she's basically saying she wants to be president because she can't do anything else."
    --Jay Leno


    "Well, the big story -- Hillary Clinton will be running for president in 2008. You know why I think she's running? I think she finally wants to see what it's like to sleep in the president's bed."
    --Jay Leno


    "Top Democrats have mixed feelings about Sen. Hillary Clinton running for president. Apparently, some Democrats don't like the idea, while others hate it."

    --Conan O'Brien


    "In a fiery speech this weekend, Hillary Clinton wondered why President Bush can't find the tallest man in Afghanistan.
    Probably for the same reason she couldn't find the fattest intern under the desk."
    --Jay Leno


    "Former President Bill Clinton said that if his wife, Hillary, is elected president, he will do whatever she wants.
    You know Bill Clinton -- when he makes a vow to Hillary, you can take that to the bank."
    --Jay Leno


    A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay for $400. He's a law student, so he probably doesn't need it, but still, that's not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, at least I got some furniture and a Senate seat for mine."
    -Jay Leno


    "Hillary Clinton said today that she wants legislation to allow all ex-felons to vote. See, this way all the Clinton's former business partners can vote for her in 2008."
    --Jay Leno


    Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs have come out. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you, too, will want to sleep with an intern."
    Craig Kilborn


    In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts."
    - Jay Leno


    "In the book, she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said "I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air.
    No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said."

    - David Letterman


    "Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family."
    - David Letterman


    "Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new home in Washington . People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same."
    - Jay Leno


    "Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch."
    - Craig Kilborn


    "CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it."
    - Jay Leno


    "Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. . .the one with only seven commandments."

    -David Letterman
     
    #36     May 7, 2007
  7. A bear, a lion and a chicken meet....

    Bear says: "If I roar in the forests of North America, the entire
    forest is shivering with fear."

    Lion says: "And if I roar on the great plains of Africa, the entire
    savannah is afraid of me."

    Says the chicken: "Big deal. I only have to cough, and the entire
    planet wets itself."
     
    #37     May 7, 2007
  8. New Regulations in the New Jersey Division of Motor Vehicle's 2007 Handbook

    1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident New Jersey Driver avoids using them.

    2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, because the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

    3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit.

    4. WARNING! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in your being rear-ended.

    5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with PA, NY or DE plates. With no insurance, the other operator probably has nothing to lose.

    6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous, foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.

    7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.

    8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in New Jersey during rush hour.

    9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a New York driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

    10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

    11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signaling. New Jersey is the home of high-speed slalom-driving thanks to the Department of Transportation, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert.

    12. It is tradition in New Jersey to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move three milliseconds after the light turns green.

    13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is important to exit your vehicle thru the windshield right away. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.

    14. Remember that the goal of every New Jersey driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.

    15. In New Jersey, 'flipping the bird' is considered a polite salute. This gesture should always be returned.
     
    #38     May 7, 2007
  9. Prison vs. Work

    Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.

    IN PRISON.........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.
    AT WORK...........you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

    IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
    AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

    IN PRISON.........you get time off for good behavior.
    AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.

    IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
    AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all
    the doors for yourself.

    IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
    AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

    IN PRISON........you get your own toilet.
    AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

    IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
    WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

    IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
    AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

    IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
    AT WORK ..........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

    IN PRISON ........you must deal with sadistic wardens.
    AT WORK...........they are called managers.
     
    #39     May 7, 2007
  10. Yannis

    Yannis

    It's A Jungle Out There!

    A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant, opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu:

    Broiled Missionary: $10.00
    Fried Explorer: $15.00
    Baked Politician: $100.00

    The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?"

    The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? These guys are all so much full of shit!"

    :) :) :)
     
    #40     May 7, 2007
    Pauly99 likes this.