The One-Minute Chinese Vocabulary That's not right... Sum Ting Wong Are you harboring a fugitive?... Hu Yu Hai Ding? See me ASAP... Kum Hia Nao Stupid Man... Dum Gai Small Horse... Tai Ni Po Ni Did you go to the beach?... Wai Yu So Tan? I bumped into a coffee table... Ai Bang Mai Ni I think you need a face lift... Chin Tu Fat It's very dark in here... Wai So Dim? I thought you were on a diet... Wai Yu Mun Ching? This is a tow away zone... No Pah King Our meeting is scheduled for next week... Wai Yu Kum Nao? Staying out of sight... Lei Ying Lo He's cleaning his automobile... Wa Shing Ka Your body odor is offensive... Yu Stin Ki Pu
Division Of Labor An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.' To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.' And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.' He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile.' So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?' The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.' Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.' The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnayfin' him either.' The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells... 'SUPPLIES!!'
The Chinese Rabbi A guy from Brooklyn was in Hong Kong passing through the native quarter, and was surprised to see a synagogue. He went in and sure enough, he saw a Chinese rabbi and a Chinese congregation. The service was touching. As the service ended, the rabbi stood at the door greeting his congregants. When our Brooklyn friend came up, the Chinese rabbi said, "You a Jew?" "Yes, I'm Jewish," replied the Brooklynite. "Funny," said the Chinese rabbi. "You don't look it."
Tendjewberrymud The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review... Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees" Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service" RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??" G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs" RS: "Ow July den?" G: "What??" RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?" G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please." RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?" G: "Crisp will be fine." RS : "Hokay. An San tos?" G: "What?" RS:"San tos. July San tos?" G: "I don't think so" RS: "No? Judo one toes??" G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes 'means." RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?" G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine." RS: "We bother?" G: "No..just put the bother on the side." RS: "Wad?" G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side." RS: "Copy?" G: "Sorry?" RS: "Copy...tea...mill?" G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all." RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??" G: "Whatever you say" RS: "Tendjewberrymud" G: "You're welcome"
Confucius Says: Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient. Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion. Man who love and loses, have not right lawyer. When lady say `no´ she mean `perhaps´ when she say `perhaps´ she mean `yes´ but when she say `yes´, she not a lady. Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. When man 60 marry girl 25, like buying book for someone else to read. Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get A flat miner. Television never replace old reliable key hole. Woman who puts detergent on top shelf, jump for Joy... Laziest man in world who marry widow with six children. Man with one chopstick go hungry. Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache. Man who scratches backside should not bite fingernails. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Kids are like Legos, lot of fun to make, but sooner or later, only end up messing up house. Man who stand on toilet high on pot. Crowded elevator smell different to midget. He who eats too many prunes, sits on potty many moons. Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self. Man who make love to girl on hill...he not on level. Honeymoon over when man who whispered sweet nothings before now say nothing sweet. Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself. Man who drive like hell bound to get there...
Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a > tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists > in Iraq . The leader of the Iraqi terrorists told them > he'd grant each of them one last request before they > were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets. > > Katie Couric said, ''Well, I'm a > Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried > chicken.'' The leader nodded to an underling who > left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and > said, ''Now I can die content.'' > > Charlie Gibson said, ''I live in ?New York , > so I'd like to hear the song The Moon and Me' one > last time..'' The terrorist's leader nodded to > another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew > the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and > played the song. Gibson was satisfied. > > Brian Williams said, ''I'm a reporter to > the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe > the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, > someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job > till the end.'' The leader directed an aide to hand > over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments. > He then said, ''Now I can die happy.'' > > The leader turned and said, ''And now, Mr. US > Marine, what is your final wish?'' > > ''Kick me in the ass,'' said the > Marine. > > ''What'' asked the Islamic terrorist, > 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'' > > ''No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick > me in the ass,'' insisted the Marine. > > So the terrorist shoved him into the yard and > kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled > to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies > and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he > emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, with his knife he > slashed the throat of one with an AK-47, which he took, and > sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11! > > In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for > their lives. > > As the Marine was untying ?Couric, Gibson and Williams, > they asked him, ''Why didn't you just shoot them > all in the first place Why did you ask him to kick you in > the ass?'' > > ''What!!'' replied the Marine, > ''and have you three assholes report that I was the > aggressor''
Actual Chinese Movie Subtitles 1. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin. 2. Gun wounds again? 3. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep. 4. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries. 5. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold? 6. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants. 7. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here? 8. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out! 9. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken. 10.Beat him out of recognizable shape! 11. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair! 12. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected. 13. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
Confucius Says (Cont'd): Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands. Man who walk middle of road get run over by bus. Man who eat jellybean relieve self in technicolor. Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants! Man who sit on tack get point! Man who sink into woman's arms will soon find arms in woman's sink. Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement. A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability. He who eats crackers in bed get crummy sleep. Eunuch not strange creature, just man cut out to be bachelor. Man who dream of eating giant mushroom---wake up with no pillow. Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting-image of father. He who put face in fruit drink get punch in the nose. Butcher who backs into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders. Chemist who fall in acid, absorbed in work. Man become old when he watch food instead of waitress. Girl who make love in tomb may soon become mummy. Wise man never play leapfrog with a unicorn. Man who drop watch in toilet have crappy time. Man trapped in pantry have himself in jam. Women take to good hearted men. Also from. Man who pass gas in church must sit in own pew. Man who shoot off mouth, expect to lose face. Man with big mouth, beware of foot. House without bathroom, uncanny. Man who throw dirt, losing ground. Two wrongs not make right, but two rights make U-turn Do not drink and park, accidents cause people. Man who crosses ocean twice without washing, is a dirty double crosser. Man who speak with forked tongue, should not kiss balloons. He who have last laugh, not get joke. Man who throw away watch, wasting time. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like bananas. War does not determine who's right. War determine who's left. Man who sleeps on road, wakes up feeling run down. Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out." A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose. When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet, than open mouth and remove all doubt. Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house. He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing Man who cut self while shaving, lose face. People who make Confucius joke speak bad English.
Joe Biden entered a barbershop and asked for a shave. After the shave, the barber said, "That will be a quarter, please." "But," said Joe, "Your sign says two bucks for a shave. How come only a quarter?" The barber answered, "Once in a awhile we get a guy that is all mouth and we only charge him twenty-five cents!"