If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly..... Deer Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Friend, Billy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell. Santa ***************************************************** Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa **************************************************** Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie. Santa **************************************************** Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan Dear Susan, Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch. Santa ***************************** *********************** Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa ********************************************* ******* Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa **************************************************** Dear Santa, I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one? Love, Timmy Dear Timmy, That whiny begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa **************************************************** Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home? Love, Marky Dear Mark, First stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house; you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Sweet dreams, Santa
Purely in the interests of curiosity, I have replaced the word "wand" with "cock" in a couple of the Harry Potter Books. I really prefer to post short jokes, one liners are my favorite but... Let's see the results... "Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry. "Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me cock in half an' everything A magic cock... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to. "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first cock. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice cock for charm work." "Your father, on the other hand, favoured a mahogany cock. Eleven inches. " Harry took the cock. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the cock above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls "Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's cock, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!" The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's cock had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils. He bent down and pulled his cock out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue. He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his cock, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his cock at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them. "Yes," Harry said, gripping his cock very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he? Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his cock Then, with a sigh, he raised his cock and prodded the silvery substance with its tip. 'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised cock.
A man walks into a pet shop, puts a bomb on the counter and says, "You've got one minute to get out of here before the place blows!" A turtle in the back shouts, "You bastard!"
My dog ran off when I was little Mom says to me, "why don't you put an ad in the paper to get him back". So I did, but after two weeks the dog is still missing. "What did you write in the paper?" mom asked. "Here boy," I said.
A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a huge hole in my ass." The doctors says, "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look. Fuck me!! What could have made a hole as big as that?" The patient replies, "I've been fucked by an elephant." The doctor says, "but an elephant's penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous." The patient replies, "he fingered me first."