Jokes 2

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, “Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?” Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife’s shoulder and asks, “Honey, please… just one more time before I die.” She says, “Of course, Dear,” and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he’s down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. “Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could…”

At this point the wife sits up and says, “Listen Morris, I have to get up in the morning… you don’t.”

 

Almost looks like a ham.

 

Need some flash.

 

http://iowahawk.typepad.com/iowahawk/2008/12/breaking-feds-seize-blagojevich-ebay-account.html

 

Today a policeman stopped me, he told me to watch out as a fake police officer was stopping people on the road, and asking people, to watch out.

 

IMAO: Illinois Governor Latest Victim of Senating Market Downturn

"SPRINGFIELD (AP) - While there’s been a lot of concern about, and much government money thrown at, the Housing market, recent data suggests that the Senating market may be just as bad, if not worse.

“Five bucks. Come on, someone give me just five @#$%ing bucks for this @#$%ing thing!”
Former Illinois Senator turned President-Elect Barack Obama knows this as well as anyone. “I spent almost $10 million on my Senate seat in 2004, fully expecting the value to rise,” he said. “But since the Senating bubble burst last year, it’s not even worth 10% of that. It’s so bad, I didn’t even try to get anything for it. I just cut my losses and walked away. I hope I make more in the Presidenting market.”

The Obama Senate seat, now empty and abandoned, ended up in the hands of Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, who paid approximately squat for the controlling rights in the vacated position. A Senating market neophyte, he’d paid scant attention to pricing trends over the last year, simply assuming that a Senate seat must be “a @#$%ing valuable thing”, just as it always had been in the past.

Sadly, the Governor was mistaken.

“I was getting offers of maybe 100, 200 Grand,” said Blagojevich. “That’s @#$%ing bull@#$%! Yeah, I didn’t actually pay anything for it, but still, I know damn well it’s @#$%ing golden, and I’m just not giving it up for @#$%ing nothing. I’m not gonna do it!”

Still, Blagojevich tries to maintain his optimism. “Even if I can’t unload it this year, I might be able to trade it for something valuable next year, since I’ll probably be living in Federally funded housing by then. Maybe I can get a pack of smokes, some Pruno, or at least a decent shiv for it.”

Senator Hillary Clinton, another victim of the Senating crisis, was sympathetic to the Governor’s plight. “I’ve been holding my Senate seat for six long years, and I’ve got nothing to show for it. At this point, I’d even go to work as a Secretary if it got me out of here.”"

 

IMAO: Saving the American Auto Industry

"If you’re going to put someone in charge of the American auto industry to save it, I think it should be me. I have actual ideas on how to sell more American cars.

First off, they need to be bigger. Like enormous. The first thing people should say when they see the car is, “Holy crap!” It should be big enough to run over and crush other cars. The front of it should also resemble a skull.

See, here’s the marketing strategy: People who buy these new American cars will run over and crush smaller dinky cars. Those people will be forced to buy new American cars so they don’t get crushed again. That’s basic economics right there.

To make the cars cheaper, no more union labor. They’re stupid and expensive. Instead, robots. But not just any robots. Robots with two arms. One arm will be for working on the car. The other will be for wielding a switchblade in a menacing manner. This makes sure no one messes with the robot. It’s a quality control feature.

Now Congress is going to be like, “Your cars are too big. They’re putting too much carbon in the air. Carbon hurts babies. Blah bla blah bla blah.” So I’m going to send my robots to their houses. The robots take pride in their work and don’t like people denigrating it. They will cut you for that. Soon Congress will stop passing laws against awesome cars because of their natural fear of robots with switchblades.

So that’s my plan for the American auto industry. Oh, also I want to look into whether open carry laws means you can mount a machine gun on your car. That will be an optional feature."