Five years of French got me this. Je ne sais pas. Je ne comprends pas. Wait, there's more, "Buffoon". I was the only person not addressed by their "French" name. Monsieur Buffoon, "Quelle heure est-il?" "Aww go fuck yourself Mister Evola" I said. Of course I said this in Latin and under my breath, and not in class, more like on the way home and not quite in Latin.
From one of my favorite poems by Victor Hugo: "Tres bon, dit l'officier, on va te fusiller, attend ton tour!" (Very well, said the officer, we're going to shoot you, wait your turn!)
Council and housing association complaints The following are real extracts from actual complaint letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK. What a literate bunch the Brits truly are! I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage, and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up, and its now getting too much for me. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can`t get BBC2. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it, and he`s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore. ... that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
An FBI investigation The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!" "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave. The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?" "Yep." "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
Coffee Stealing someone's coffee is called 'mugging'. Drinking too much coffee can cause a latte problems. Is coffee your daily grind? When he spilled coffee on her shirt she showed him dis-stain. Coffee has bean the grounds of many a heated and strong discussion. Does a coffee shop have the grounds to operate in the black? The coffee around here is break fluid. Selling coffee has its perks for those who have bean so lucky. I just had some coffee that was good only for its sedimental value. Why are Italians so good at making coffee? Because they really know how to espresso themselves. The concession stand at the circus had very good coffee. It was the greatest joe on earth. The author wasn't pleased to see a review of his book on cappuccinos. It said it was all froth and no substance. What do people buy coffee with? Starbucks. When they spilled coffee on his neck, he got hot under the collar. If you spend too much time in the coffee shop you'll be latte for work. My wife is trying to lose weight but continues to frequent the coffee shops for rich beverages and delicacies. You could say she is making a moccary of her diet.
Gilbert Gottfried on Tonight Show, dressed as a Somali Pirate............. Who has a wooden leg, and searches for treasure? Heather Mills McCartney
Yeah. You were awol. I thought maybe Paulson was going to announce that you were part of the Tarp bailout today. Good to see you back.
Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.' Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.' Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'what ya gonna do with him? Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, you can't raffle off a dead donkey!' Chuck said, 'Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.' A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?' Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.' The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.' Chuck now works for the government as a top adviser on the bailout Plan!
I Think I've Seen This One Before A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here with lots of money riding on how we handle the situation right now, and my secretary has gone for the night. So, I'm trying to do it on my own... can you make this thing work for me?" "Certainly," said the young executive, eager to please his fearless leader. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the shredder. "I just need one copy..."