Subject: How To Save the Airlines Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell, they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.' Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset. Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself? Sincerely, Bill Clinton
There were three cows,a Red cow, a Blue Cow, and a Yellow Cow, all of them, on one side of a an eighteen lane superhighway. One day, they were busy just grazing along, and they realized that they were out of grass . . . So they were thinking to themselves that if they could get to the OTHER side of this super highway, they could eat the grass over on the other side. So the Blue cow was thinking to himself, and he comes up with an idea. He walks over to the telephone pole, climbs up it, walks across the line, climbs down the other side, and starts eating the grass. So the Red cow is thinking to himself that if the Blue cow could do it, so could he. He comes up with an idea and backs up away from the highway, runs, jumps, leaps over ALL 18 lanes, lands on the other side, and starts eating the grass. So the Yellow cow, left all alone, is thinking to himself that if the Blue cow could do it and the Red cow could do it, then so could he. So he comes up with an idea, and he walks out into traffic. He gets run over by an 18 wheeler and dies. The Red cow turns to the Blue cow and says "Mooooooooo."
CALIFORNIA You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegal. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders
Poland You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
Q. What's the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon? A. The pigeon is still capable of leaving a deposit on a new Ferrari.
I'll share my list of pointers. Your Welcome. A good investor always sees opportunity. For example: "Where is that damn Overstock refund when the mega jack pot is 63 million and I want to buy an extra few thousand tickets?" Buy Starbucks seven years ago. Long-term investments are generally a better bet than short-term investments. A wise investor buys a stock, then forgets about it for 18 years. Only when his son goes off to college does he think, "Hey, I wonder how GM is doing?" Don't forget your "due diligence." If you don't know what that means, get a yahoo id and join in the fun on the message boards. Although it helps to know what Price-to-Earnings and other figures mean, it's not essential as sometimes they're just made up by the company. If you call your broker to ask about a particular company and you hear him click-clacking on his keyboard - that means he's looking it up on Google. Know the key difference between ""making $2,000 out of $40,000" and "Sitting at the computer in your pajamas losing all your money." Ask a MB putz if a certain trade looks "uppity-doodles" or "downity-doodles." If he doesn't ask you what the hell you're talking about, he's not a good putzorino. Knowing when to get out of a stock is just as important as knowing when to get in. When you see the CEO being led away in handcuffs, you probably missed the best time to sell. A good broker will repeat your order and execute the trade, not ask "How I do that?" A bad broker won't stop talking about recoverability or price reasonableness. Invest in companies you know, or at least companies you've heard a lot about. Don't invest in companies which are invisible because you can't see what they're doing and you'll never know if they went out of business. Stocks are in a sense tiny pieces of a company. Owning even a single share lets you bully and harass the staff of that particular company's operation and preface your complaints with "As a shareholder..." For example: "As a shareholder, I'm very upset this Home Depot is sold out of my favorite twine." Buy one of the Rich Dad, Poor Dad books by Robert T. Kioyosaki. Then buy stock in paper companies like Georgia Pacific once you realize he's contractually obligated to poop out books like that on a regular basis. Your portfolio should contain a mixture of stocks, mutual funds, bonds and cash. When the market is acting wiggly, use the cash to buy scratch off lotto tickets. The "conservative" portfolio contains reliable stocks and bonds, and tends to grow slowly with minimal risk. The "moderate" portfolio contains a mix of reliable and speculative stocks, and aims for more growth by taking on more risk. This is the best portfolio for Libras and monkeys who lurch out into intersections then panic and hit the brakes. The "aggressive" portfolio is highly risky, but has the greatest potential for gains. On the downside - you might be working as a "doorgreeter" when you had hoped to retire. If a company decides to incorporate Mohammed into their logo - time to sell. Most important: Have fun! Investing in stocks is all about the free annual reports.
Obscure slang for masterbation shaking hands with the unemployed. Shakin your Sir Francis Bacon Wave the writ of Habeus Corpus to the Sheriff of Nottingham Boxing the bald headed clown. Firing the Surgeon-General I'm going to go bop my baloney. The French term, "se polir le chinois," which translates to, "to polish the Chinaman." whiffing an easy fairway shot goin with Ms Thumb & her four daughters
I'm pretty sure the hall monitor at school wouldn't bother you if you didn't have a hall pass and the monitors asks, "Where are you going Nutmeg?" "I'm on my way to wave the writ of Habeus Corpus to the Sheriff of Nottingham" I think they would make an exception for me.