The Importance of Walking Walking can add minutes to your life. * This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month. * My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. * Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell he is. * I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. * The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. * I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing. * I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there. * Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate. * I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. * The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, * 'Well, he looks good doesn't he.' * If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. * I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill. * You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them! * * AND * We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
On Jay Leno tonight: A man was charged with animal cruelty after he fed a chicken whiskey and blew pot smoke in his face. Let's this about this... What do we do to chickens? We cut their head off, deep fry them, and eat them. If you ask the chicken which one he prefers, I think he's going to take a big toke of the doobie and say "I'm goin with this guy."
What do we do to chickens? We cut their head off, deep fry them, and eat them. ------------------------ Unless you fuck chickens, then you're supposed to give them to your neighbor when you're done with them. I read this in an etiqueete book. It is not polite to feed your family with something you've been fucking.
Which reminds me the other oldie: Two flies are feasting on their regular fare. One of them says: Boy, this is good sh*t! The other one stops chewing and responds angrily: Shut up! I'm eating here!!
Indian Student It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said. 'Very good!' Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?' Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar. The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.' She heard a loud whisper: 'F*ck the Indians,' 'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.' At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.' The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.' Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!' Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997!' Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.' The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "I think it was the American people, November 4, 2008."