Reminds me of the joke: Two young kids on the playground at recess...One says "My grandfather has a wooden leg." Other kid "That's nothing; my grandmother has a cedar chest."
From Mary Poppins "There was an old man with a wooden leg named Smith..." "What was the name of the other leg?"
Old Man And The Sea A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off". "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked. "Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook!"
Once upon a time when I was 14. I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.
Speaking Of Pets A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother. Brother 1: So how is my cat doing? Brother 2: She's dead. Brother 1: She's dead! What do you mean she's dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could have broken me to the news easier. You could have told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could have told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could have told me, that the Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when she hit the ground. Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again. Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, when I left, Mom was a little sick - how is she doing? Brother 2: Yeah, well, come to think of it... yeah, she's... she's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down!