David Beckham has gone crazy believing Posh has been having an affair on him. In manic rage, he goes out and buys a gun. He rushes home to confront his wife, and finds her in bed with none other than Ruud Van Nistelroy. Devastated, Beckham takes out the gun and points it at his own head. "No, David don't do it." Posh cries jumping up from her spot underneath the covers...."I'm sorry and I know we can work this out." "Shut up and sit back Victoria." Beckham replies. "You're next."
Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an intelligent Liverpool supporter and an old drunk are walking down the street together when simultaneously they each spot a fifty quid note. Who gets it? A: The old drunk, of course - the other 3 are mythical creatures.
Newsflash: Thieves broke into the home of a Liverpool fan and stole two books. "The thing that upsets me", he said "is that I hadn't finished colouring them in yet!"
Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps? A: Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Sir Alex is queuing in his local building society, when a gunman bursts in through the door demanding money. Ferguson attempts to tackle the raider, but gets knocked over...as he falls, his head smashes the counter and Sir Alex is out cold. The robber escapes and the cashier tries to revive Ferguson. After a few minutes he comes round and looks bewildered. His first words are "Where the hell am I?". The Cashier replies: "don't worry, its ok, you're in the Nationwide." Ferguson replies, "F**k me, is it May already?"
Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read: "Here lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Chelsea fan." So, one of them asked the other: "When the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?"
Q. Two Chelsea fans jump off a cliff. Which one hits the ground first?. A. Who gives a F**K! Q: What do you get when you cross a Chelsea Fan with a pig? A: I don't know, there are some things a pig just won't do. Q: What do you call a Chelsea fan on the moon? A: A Problem. Q: What do you call 100 Chelsea fans on the moon? A: An even bigger problem. Q: What do you call all the Chelsea fans on the moon? A: Problem solved
I've heard that Stamford Park has arguably the best pitch in the Premiership. Well...not entirely suprising considering all the sh*t that has been on there. Q: What's the difference between a Chelsea supporter and an Onion? A: No one cries when you chop up a Chelsea fan!
Two Gunners fans are on the plane on the way to Holland. One turns to the other and says "Hey Arthur! See if this plane turns upside-doon will we fall out?" "No way Richard," says his mate "of course we'll still be pals!!"