How To Drive In Jersey 1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is Nork - rhymes with Fork, not New-ark. 2. The morning rush hour is from 5 AM to NOON. The evening rush hour is from NOON to 7 PM. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning. 3. The minimum acceptable speed on the turnpike is 85 mph. On the parkway it's 105 or 110. Anything less is considered "Sissy." (Just ask Jon Corzine, the Governor of NJ) 4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Jersey has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second; However, in Monmouth county, SUV-driving, cellphone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way. 5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. 6. Never honk at anyone. EVER! Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot. 7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of Jersey . Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting. 8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-neckers, shredded tires, cell-phoners, deer and other road kill, and the Homeless feeding on any of these items. 9. MapQuest does NOT work here -- none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do and all the Turnpike EZ Pass lanes are moved each night once again to make your ride more exciting. 10. If someone actually has their Turn Signal ON, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated." 11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot. 12. Do not try to estimate travel time -- just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday appointments, and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.
Once upon a time when I was 11. A pretty teacher was concerned. After class one day, she asked, "Little Nutmeg, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?" "With you," I said. "But Nutmeg," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child." "Oh, don't worry," I said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber."
A new element is discovered The Heaviest Element Known to Science Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
"Three Knifed At Urban Music Awards" should read... "Suprisingly Little Violence Amongst a Large Gathering of Blacks" ------------------------------ The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil. ------------------------ It's a fantastic feeling becoming a father for the first time. But it feels awful when your wife finds out.
A guy runs into the men's toilet, races to the urinal and whips out his 10 inch dick. He says with a sigh of relief, "Phew, just made it!". The guy next to him looks over and says, "Impressive, can you make me one too ?".
I had a wierd dream last night. I was on safari in Africa. I dreamt I was hand feeding a Hippo. I woke up with my hand between the wife's legs!
There was three castaways on a desert island, one day one of them died. The other two men start eating him from the feet up.. Two weeks later one man says to the other "Are you having a good time?" The other replies "Yeah I'm havin' a ball!" The man then replies "Slow down you're eating too fast"